World Cup Diary

Wednesday:
Dear Diary,
Today I jumped into a van and journeyed up the Hume to sunny yet extremely cold Canberra as support for the Wookie. It's weird, I know Canberra is our nations capital, but the amount of knuckle dragging, donut burning, Southern Comfort swilling bogans scares me. It's almost as if the gene pool has been ravaged by promiscuous politicians, leaving the bastard children to mate and produce a new style of super inbred bogan...... anyway, I digress. If anyone asks, Canberra is awesome and a great place to just hang around and blow things up and drink until your speech patterns resemble Scotty's. Alfy shouldn't fly up here either. One look at him and the locals will lock him up on 'terror' charges.

Thursday:
Dear Diary,
F*** who turned off the F***'* heaters in this place. After a morning pedal on the road bike there is no sign of my genitalia. I'm putting it in the "Lost" ads.
Off to the course, the World Cup. So apparently the sun is out and in full force, accompanied by dust. Wicked. I give the Wookie a call, "when is your flight coming in?" I ask. "6:20 I think... something like that." After a second of thought I offer my services in picking up the big lug of a Wookie, "OK, I will come over and pick you up."
From there I cruised around talking to all the cool people. Of which none are household names. It has me asking myself, "What the hell am I doing here? And who the hell is that guy with the camera taking photos of girls in lycra?"
Thursday Night:
Hey diary..... I'm off to pick up Rohin and Wookie. Rohin is riding in the actual World Cup. Wookie thinks he should be able to stay with 17.52% of the Elite field. What planet is he on? Mental note: Watch "Caravan of Courage" to discover the lineage of the Wookie, maybe I can ascertain answers that way.
Wookie, This is your life...

Dinner is at a bar in one of the local suburbs. Think the bar scene at "The Shire" from "The Lord of the Rings" and it's nothing like it. Instead we have a group of grown adults playing Sim City or something on a projector screen in the bar. Smug looking nerds. I remember the day when nerds would huddle together to maintain their safety from 'Jocks' and keep their undies in one piece. It's at this stage that I ask myself, "Why would Wayne Carey 'glass' his model girlfriend when he could come to the ACT and get people like this?" Weird.
Rider of Rohin. Also available for the slaying of Orcs...

I can see Wookie is intense, he has waved away the next round of beers, preferring to stop at a dozen pots as opposed to his usual intake. Rohin is at another level. Healthy food served with red wine. Already Wookie knows, he is stuffed.
Bed time!!! Yay. I will have a course of 3 blokes farting and snoring in a small cabin please.

Friday:
Race day for the Wookie... and me apparently. Why does he insist on me looking like an idiot and hurting myself? Rohin has the beauty of importance. He is allowed to ride the course and make sure he is ok doing all the scary bits. I have to listen to Wookie tell how easy it will be and how the rocks won't hurt much...... funny how life takes weird turns. No sooner had we decided to watch the pros practise when Rohin crashes..... on rocks..... and they hurt...... alot..... stupid Wookie. There is nothing like having Wookie tell you something then having it proven incorrect within minutes.
Wookie and Jarrod talk tactics....

That pretty much sealed the deal for me, I'm not riding..... well, that and the fact that Petey wasn't here to race. Petey is like one of those kids in primary school with no skill and brains. BUT if Petey can do it so can I. Ney, if Petey can do it you have to do it. With him not around to be pushed down the rocky descents first I had no proof that riding was possible. Mental Note: Organise meetings to be on during my race.....
Rohin limps back. It's mine and Wookie's job to get him up and going for Saturday.... In other words, he is F*****!
Rohin crashes.... what's with the umbrella?

Race Time! And they're off! Wookie smashes around the course taking B-Lines at will and generally looks like he is going backwards. Luckily he has most of the crowd yelling support for him because every time he passes me I let him have an earful. Rohin is more sporting, he hasn't yet realised that Wookie isn't a good bloke. In the end Wookie finishes..... well I really don't know.... lets go with towards the back of the field. The course is pretty crazy and he did well just to finish yadda yadda yadda... whatever.
Jarrod using all of his powers to summon a good performance out of Wookie....

Later that night I'm feeling pretty average and ready for bed. Too much fun? Rohin cooks up a delightful feast of healthy food. Wookie downs enough food to feed a village of people in Africa; well. Rohin can barely eat. He is too busy trying to avoid ending up on Wookies fork. This may cause him trouble tomorrow.

Saturday:
MMMMMMMM...... odour de man stink. If the cabin could of, it would have got up and walked away during the night, it's not like it is weighed down with thick comfy mattresses or insulation. Off to the course. The Elite Women's race was 1st up. Lets just say that the Aussie contingent wasn't exactly flying and the racing was not as exciting as one would have liked. Some cute Russian won.
There was lots of 'talent' on display in the women's race....

Next up, the Men's Elite World Cup. Rohins chance to strut his stuff in front of an adoring home crowd. It's now I realise the value of the aforementioned bogans. They are very loud and passionate, when they pry their lips off the rim of a can of premixed Uzo. The worlds best roll past at a rapid rate. Rohin is comfortably positioned towards the rear of the field. A feat that 99.9999% of the world could not achieve. After a couple of laps it's apparent that Rohin has a chance to finish the race. (Ed's note: In World Cup events you have to be within a certain % of time behind the leader otherwise you get pulled) "Go you good thing. Pin it you crazy Ginga! Beat the Kiwi's Rohin!" I yell. "Reooooorow, roaeroooooo," gargles Wookie. In the end it was not to be for Rohin. He got pulled out of the race by an angry arch nemesis with 1 lap to go. Bastard. Some cute Swiss guy won..... cough, I mean, some non neutral Swiss guy won.
In the end Rohin's injury got the better of him...

Afterward was the 4X event. Which is like BMX on steroids.... The locals knuckles are dragging extra low by now. The sun has gone and the Fugly's are out in force. Then something happens. It rains...... Wookie informs us that he needs to be at the airport at 7:30pm as the Millennium Falcon leaves then. Rohin and I decide that yes we are getting old and don't like standing around in the rain and mud so we drop the Wookie off at the airport, grab a meal on the way and head back to the cabin.

Sunday:
Off to the airport. Check in. Time for the security. I walk through the scanner as some woman over by the wall is been frisked and lubed up. No beep. Great, I will grab my bags and be on my way. Not so fast there Mister. Some dude called Mohammed wants to search my carry on luggage for explosive residue (lucky he didn't check the cabin, hey Wookie?) He goes through the entire lot and just as I prepare myself for a body search he smiles and says, "OK, you seem alright." The nerve......

Goodbye:
Now as most of you know every ones favourite whipping boy, know it all and all round grumpy mate, Petey is off to Brisbane to live for a while. The worst bit is that he is taking his lovely girlfriend, M2 with him. (Ed's note: M2, if Petey is a part of a bet its fair to say you've earned the cash) As you all know Petey's old flame Richy Ring-In currently resides in Bris-Vegas which should make life interesting for the 3 of them. What the Closer Racing has learnt is that Petey is secretly trying to put M2 and Ring-In into a Survivor type situation to determine his one true love.
Ring-In and M2 competing for the ultimate man....

The competitors will be expected to solve riddles like, "Who has had a harder life than Petey?" and one of Petey's favourite activities, "Pin the tail on the Alfy". Should be interesting and fortunately for us Channel 7 doesn't have the broadcast rights so we should see it live on TV and not on delay.

Closer update.

Well, it seems that once again a lot of time has elapsed since my last post on the Closer Blog. What can I say? Work is a bitch. I don't want to do it. You don't want to do it. Alfy doesn't. As a matter of fact, no one should have to do it. If someone can devise a way to live well and do no work please drop me a line. People with rich irresponsible parents and drug dealers need not apply, well at least not straight away. There is too much work involved in being a dealer anyway. Anyhooo, enough of the sermon. Time to give you avid readers an update on the state of play.

Since the last post the Wookie has raced on more than 1 occasion and has had some good results. It's all training for the big fella, training for a huge international event, an event that is named in his honour. “I have slimmed down with all my riding as a part of my training for the pie eating contest. Jess likes it. My bike likes it. Petey doesn't. He thinks pot belly's are cool. He loves standing around in his Lycra showing off his belly.”
Look for Scotty at an endurance race riding solo, as opposed to a team, as our name would suggest. Yep, he sure was quick to drop his mates when he realised they were struggling with form and ill health. What a guy.

Petrovski..... where do we start with him? I guess the main positive to come from his inability to get out and ride would be the soft landing his belly will provide should he fly over the handlebars. In the words of the great man, “In my mind I still ride.” He actually rides, we just never see it. It's usually on weekends. And he doesn't even use lights, in fact, we hear he prefers the lights off. The good news is that Petey should be fresh if he so chooses to join the Lycra lads any time soon. "When you have the brain power that I possess and don't get rewarded, it gets to you. Especially when you see inferior intellects like Wookie and Alfy living like Kings..... My life is the hardest."

Ring-In 2 is taking off to the US of A to run.... surprise surprise. He does his usual 1000km weeks combined with 8hr runs through the middle of the night. Which brings me to my next point. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???????????????? He has had a positive impact on his landlord Alfy. Alfy has started, get this everyone, running. "It has taken a while. When I first started, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. Now I can jog without falling for at least 7km" a clearly proud and uncoordinated Alfy beamed. Personally I'm now counting down the days to the Apocalypse. What's next Alfy will start lifting weights again?.... (Eds note he has...) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Apparently Alfy expects to be benching 8KG any time now. Nice work Alfy. Keep on working on those string beans you call arms.....

Jarrod is also in training. For what, no one is quite sure, but he was spotted running the other day in his new Felt gear which he so unashamedly plugs at all times. Lets just say he isn't a svelte athlete at the moment. Not content with Petey's way of thinking, Jarrod has taken the pot to a new level.
Jarrod doing the "100m minute"
After suffering multiple near death experiences Jarrod has gone through something of a midlife crisis. He now rides a hot pink mountain bike and has been seen recently walking up climbs at different races while 15 year old girls fly by. "Hey, why ride when I can walk? Plus I jiggle less when I walk."
Hmmmm bagging myself in 3rd person... a new low for the Closer Blog.

CONGRATULATIONS:
The Wookie has proven that it is possible to bounce around on a small, hard, carbon saddle for hours on end and still reproduce...... AMAZING. It gives hope to the unfortunate female partners in the group. If you do marry one of us schmucks we may still be shooting straight.
An artists digital impression of a Wookie baby. Note pup is born attached to a bike.

Pete defeats teammate, World Stunned, Jarrod Shattered

A classic battle between Closer teammates Jarrod and Petey entertained and enthralled the 1 billion fans who braved the heat and the boredom (entertained, enthralled and bored all at once) to watch the Otway Great Ocean Road Classic on Saturday. Petey was thrilled with the victory, "This is the happiest day of my life since the time when Mandy2 thought I was someone else and kissed me." Jarrod on the other hand was distraught, "Losing to Petey! What's next? Losing to cross dressing albino apes? Speaking of primates, I guess I could ask Alfy to race. Maybe I could beat him." On reflection Jarrod did retract that comment, "Alfy in lycra with a helmet is an unbearable visual. Skinny, hairy legs. Skinny, hairy arms. Uggghhh... he should stick to riding camels."
The race itself was a bit of non event for the pair. 145km long with one nasty climb and one extremely fast descent. Otherwise the only highlight was Petey missing out of breaking 5hrs by 5 seconds. Hilarious stuff.
Mandy2 also competed, finishing a couple of hours after the Closer pair. "Yeah I'm rapt with that effort. As an added bonus I had 6 and a half hours away from Petey and Jarrod. Petey is hard enough to handle without having Jarrod around as well."
Almost lost in the crowd of millions, Mandy1 had an awesome day of watching 3500 bike riders go past for 5 hours. "I hate bikes."
Indeed it was a great day for all the fans of the Closer Racing Team, Petey and Jarrod in lycra and hours of entertainment at the good time capital of Torquay.

Scotty gets a new steed
Scotty has found a novel way of upgrading his bike every year. Get it stolen. More accurately, leave it in your car in a dodgy suburb for days on end and talk about how expensive it is in front of Junkie's as they walk by. Scotty may as well put a sign up advertising the bike for the locals. In any case he is now the proud owner of a brand new Scott (that's the brand.. he didn't write his name on it) Scale 35. For any interested Junkie the bike can be seen in the back of Scotty's car in any crap suburb near you. It's worth a least a few good nights out... or afternoon's for the harder sorts.

WE'RE BACK!!!

Lots of conjecture has surrounded the lack of content on the Closer Racing Blog. People had begun to wonder, was the ride was over for the team, had impressive result after impressive result worn them out. Were they struggling with expectations? The expectations of you, the adoring public? Well in the words of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger, "I'm pregnant!"... I mean, "You're fired!!"... ahhhh well you get the idea. They still get around the traps.

Since we last checked in there has being a trip to NZ, an awards ceremony and of course the anal raping Alpine Classic. Both of which were completed by various team members with varying individual results. Below is a brief transcript of the end of year Awards Ceremony Gala which saw all team members enjoy a successful night.

The Closer Racing Awards Ceremony Gala
The most sought after award in cycling, it measures performance, strength, heart and commitment. And of course we can't forget the Closer Statue. The statue everyone wants to take home: That statue is going straight to the pool room

The TAC award
This award is for sponsor's of the team who provide guidlines/ideologies taht are impossible to attain/follow.
The nominees are:
Scotty, for eating 12 meals a day and squeezing in 47 rides a week and still maintaining a marriage. Just.
Alfy, for purchasing a palace for a billion dollars, spending 50K on furniture and demanding a "wall of wine".
And the winner is...... Alfy.
"I'd like to thank my parents for instilling into me the belief that you can never spend too much on anything and that $600 bottles of wine are ok to drink sometimes... often? weekly... actually they are good for quoffing."

The cole Trickle/Maverick
This award is in honour of Tom Cruise and his characters in those classics Top Gun and Days of Thunder and there struggles to compete after 'incidents' damaged their psyche.
The nominees are:
Petey, for face planting the ground at Lysterfield and requiring stitches in his chin. It was an improvement.
Jarrod, for losing it and pitching head and shoulder 1st into the ground at Lysterfield.
Scotty, for hitting rocks at the You Yangs and saying "I need to sit down for a bit."
And the winner is...... Jarrod.
"I would like to thank Robert Duval and Goose for getting me through this. I went back to Lysterfield and rode through smoke and then threw a heart rate monitor into the bushes and hey presto I'm back. Wookie, you can be my wingman anytime."

The Selley's
This award is named after the Selley's No More Gaps wall filler.
The nominations are:
Chris, for picking up where Richy left off and doing a better job.
Mandy2, for replacing Richy for Petey. I hope thats working out better for Mandy2 than it did Richy. He had to move to Queensland.
And the winner is.... Chris.
"Once Petey met Mandy the role of fill in had less downside and I was in. Plus, Richy told me how much fun it was beating Scotty and then watching him go into denial then sook."

The Iraqi Minister of Defense award
Awarded to the team member who lives in a fantasy land and has generally has no idea.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for telling people that he may ride at the Mont in 4 weeks time. 16 weeks later and he still isnt racing.
Scott, for generally having no idea.
And the winner is Scotty.
"I'm not in denial! I cant evan spel the wurd! Asc me to spall it! I bet you I con't!"

The Bobbit Award
Awarded to the rider who has lost his balls and rides like the fairer sex.
The nominees are:
Petey, a perenial winner of this award, Petey at times rides slower than Alf trying to organise a date with this lady.
Jarrod, since his crash has avoided anything remotely exciting and fast.
And the winner is Jarrod.
"Thank you. I dont know what happened to my balls. I asked Mandy and she doesnt have them. 'H' told me that sometimes girls take them from you. Has anybody out there seen my balls?"

Houdini award
Awarded to the team member who can disappear without a trace.
The nominees are:
Petey, he disappears every Monday or Tuesday and magcially reappears most fridays, then disappears again for the whole weekend.
Richy, for going to amazing lengths to not wear a jersey with Alfy's shop logo on it and getting away from Petey, by moving to Queensland.
'H', for moving to Sydney so as not to have a bucks party where he is forced to shot gun beer properly and do shots out of Scotty's belly.
And the winner is Richy.
"Thanks."

The George Dub-Ya
Awarded to the team member with the best gear available but is so imcompetant that he is incapable of using it.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for having 3 bikes that are worth well over 15K and putting up DNF after DNF.
Petey, for buying a new mountain bike and riding it twice in 4 months.
Chris, for buying a specailized.
And the winner is Petey.
"Ha Ha Ha.. very funny. I've had a hard week at work and I can't be arsed explaining to you why I know more than all of you."

The Fat Bastard V Mini Me
Awarded to the biggest guy to be beaten by someone half their size.
The nominees are:
Scott, for his constant embarrassing losses to the hands of Matt over in NZ.
Alfy, for losing at table tennis to a garden gnome with a bat taped to its head. (It may not have happened but if they were to square off my money would be on the Gnome.)
Jarrod, for his avoidance of the Arthur's Seat Challenge Vs Mandy2 that he surely would have lost.
And the winner is... Scotty.
"He didnt beat me by that much. I could always see him. (Ed's note: No he couldn't) Plus Matt is like a professional rider... at least Nicole didn't beat me up the hill Petey."

Racing Update:
Real Cross Country racing resumes at the You Yangs this weekend for the latest installment of the Vic Summer Series. Wookie is a certain starter, but at this stage no other Closer riders have confirmed entry.
The Otway Road Classic is on the 15th March, with Mandy2, Petey and Jarrod confirmed starters. It should be an interesting competition between the 3 with Petey the favourite to take home the cookies. "I've never being favourite for anything, least of all a bike race. I should race against girls more often."
On the 30th March the "Gut Full" will be run. Jarrod is doing the 90km event and should be whimpering his way through it somewhere after the 45km mark. For event details click HERE.