Since we last checked in there has being a trip to NZ, an awards ceremony and of course the anal raping Alpine Classic. Both of which were completed by various team members with varying individual results. Below is a brief transcript of the end of year Awards Ceremony Gala which saw all team members enjoy a successful night.
The Closer Racing Awards Ceremony Gala
The most sought after award in cycling, it measures performance, strength, heart and commitment. And of course we can't forget the Closer Statue. The statue everyone wants to take home:
That statue is going straight to the pool roomThe TAC award
This award is for sponsor's of the team who provide guidlines/ideologies taht are impossible to attain/follow.
The nominees are:
Scotty, for eating 12 meals a day and squeezing in 47 rides a week and still maintaining a marriage. Just.
Alfy, for purchasing a palace for a billion dollars, spending 50K on furniture and demanding a "wall of wine".
And the winner is...... Alfy.
"I'd like to thank my parents for instilling into me the belief that you can never spend too much on anything and that $600 bottles of wine are ok to drink sometimes... often? weekly... actually they are good for quoffing."
The cole Trickle/Maverick
This award is in honour of Tom Cruise and his characters in those classics Top Gun and Days of Thunder and there struggles to compete after 'incidents' damaged their psyche.
The nominees are:
Petey, for face planting the ground at Lysterfield and requiring stitches in his chin. It was an improvement.
Jarrod, for losing it and pitching head and shoulder 1st into the ground at Lysterfield.
Scotty, for hitting rocks at the You Yangs and saying "I need to sit down for a bit."
And the winner is...... Jarrod.
"I would like to thank Robert Duval and Goose for getting me through this. I went back to Lysterfield and rode through smoke and then threw a heart rate monitor into the bushes and hey presto I'm back. Wookie, you can be my wingman anytime."
The Selley's
This award is named after the Selley's No More Gaps wall filler.
The nominations are:
Chris, for picking up where Richy left off and doing a better job.
Mandy2, for replacing Richy for Petey. I hope thats working out better for Mandy2 than it did Richy. He had to move to Queensland.
And the winner is.... Chris.
"Once Petey met Mandy the role of fill in had less downside and I was in. Plus, Richy told me how much fun it was beating Scotty and then watching him go into denial then sook."
The Iraqi Minister of Defense award
Awarded to the team member who lives in a fantasy land and has generally has no idea.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for telling people that he may ride at the Mont in 4 weeks time. 16 weeks later and he still isnt racing.
Scott, for generally having no idea.
And the winner is Scotty.
"I'm not in denial! I cant evan spel the wurd! Asc me to spall it! I bet you I con't!"
The Bobbit Award
Awarded to the rider who has lost his balls and rides like the fairer sex.
The nominees are:
Petey, a perenial winner of this award, Petey at times rides slower than Alf trying to organise a date with this lady.
Jarrod, since his crash has avoided anything remotely exciting and fast.
And the winner is Jarrod.
"Thank you. I dont know what happened to my balls. I asked Mandy and she doesnt have them. 'H' told me that sometimes girls take them from you. Has anybody out there seen my balls?"
Houdini award
Awarded to the team member who can disappear without a trace.
The nominees are:
Petey, he disappears every Monday or Tuesday and magcially reappears most fridays, then disappears again for the whole weekend.
Richy, for going to amazing lengths to not wear a jersey with Alfy's shop logo on it and getting away from Petey, by moving to Queensland.
'H', for moving to Sydney so as not to have a bucks party where he is forced to shot gun beer properly and do shots out of Scotty's belly.
And the winner is Richy.
"Thanks."
The George Dub-Ya
Awarded to the team member with the best gear available but is so imcompetant that he is incapable of using it.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for having 3 bikes that are worth well over 15K and putting up DNF after DNF.
Petey, for buying a new mountain bike and riding it twice in 4 months.
Chris, for buying a specailized.
And the winner is Petey.
"Ha Ha Ha.. very funny. I've had a hard week at work and I can't be arsed explaining to you why I know more than all of you."
The Fat Bastard V Mini Me
Awarded to the biggest guy to be beaten by someone half their size.
The nominees are:
Scott, for his constant embarrassing losses to the hands of Matt over in NZ.
Alfy, for losing at table tennis to a garden gnome with a bat taped to its head. (It may not have happened but if they were to square off my money would be on the Gnome.)
Jarrod, for his avoidance of the Arthur's Seat Challenge Vs Mandy2 that he surely would have lost.
And the winner is... Scotty.
"He didnt beat me by that much. I could always see him. (Ed's note: No he couldn't) Plus Matt is like a professional rider... at least Nicole didn't beat me up the hill Petey."
Racing Update:
Real Cross Country racing resumes at the You Yangs this weekend for the latest installment of the Vic Summer Series. Wookie is a certain starter, but at this stage no other Closer riders have confirmed entry.
The Otway Road Classic is on the 15th March, with Mandy2, Petey and Jarrod confirmed starters. It should be an interesting competition between the 3 with Petey the favourite to take home the cookies. "I've never being favourite for anything, least of all a bike race. I should race against girls more often."
On the 30th March the "Gut Full" will be run. Jarrod is doing the 90km event and should be whimpering his way through it somewhere after the 45km mark. For event details click HERE.
