Dear Diary,
Today I jumped into a van and journeyed up the Hume to sunny yet extremely cold Canberra as support for the Wookie. It's weird, I know Canberra is our nations capital, but the amount of knuckle dragging, donut burning, Southern Comfort swilling bogans scares me. It's almost as if the gene pool has been ravaged by promiscuous politicians, leaving the bastard children to mate and produce a new style of super inbred bogan...... anyway, I digress. If anyone asks, Canberra is awesome and a great place to just hang around and blow things up and drink until your speech patterns resemble Scotty's. Alfy shouldn't fly up here either. One look at him and the locals will lock him up on 'terror' charges.
Thursday:
Dear Diary,
F*** who turned off the F***'* heaters in this place. After a morning pedal on the road bike there is no sign of my genitalia. I'm putting it in the "Lost" ads.
Off to the course, the World Cup. So apparently the sun is out and in full force, accompanied by dust. Wicked. I give the Wookie a call, "when is your flight coming in?" I ask. "6:20 I think... something like that." After a second of thought I offer my services in picking up the big lug of a Wookie, "OK, I will come over and pick you up."
From there I cruised around talking to all the cool people. Of which none are household names. It has me asking myself, "What the hell am I doing here? And who the hell is that guy with the camera taking photos of girls in lycra?"
Thursday Night:
Hey diary..... I'm off to pick up Rohin and Wookie. Rohin is riding in the actual World Cup. Wookie thinks he should be able to stay with 17.52% of the Elite field. What planet is he on? Mental note: Watch "Caravan of Courage" to discover the lineage of the Wookie, maybe I can ascertain answers that way.
Wookie, This is your life...Dinner is at a bar in one of the local suburbs. Think the bar scene at "The Shire" from "The Lord of the Rings" and it's nothing like it. Instead we have a group of grown adults playing Sim City or something on a projector screen in the bar. Smug looking nerds. I remember the day when nerds would huddle together to maintain their safety from 'Jocks' and keep their undies in one piece. It's at this stage that I ask myself, "Why would Wayne Carey 'glass' his model girlfriend when he could come to the ACT and get people like this?" Weird.
Rider of Rohin. Also available for the slaying of Orcs...I can see Wookie is intense, he has waved away the next round of beers, preferring to stop at a dozen pots as opposed to his usual intake. Rohin is at another level. Healthy food served with red wine. Already Wookie knows, he is stuffed.
Bed time!!! Yay. I will have a course of 3 blokes farting and snoring in a small cabin please.
Friday:
Race day for the Wookie... and me apparently. Why does he insist on me looking like an idiot and hurting myself? Rohin has the beauty of importance. He is allowed to ride the course and make sure he is ok doing all the scary bits. I have to listen to Wookie tell how easy it will be and how the rocks won't hurt much...... funny how life takes weird turns. No sooner had we decided to watch the pros practise when Rohin crashes..... on rocks..... and they hurt...... alot..... stupid Wookie. There is nothing like having Wookie tell you something then having it proven incorrect within minutes.
Wookie and Jarrod talk tactics....That pretty much sealed the deal for me, I'm not riding..... well, that and the fact that Petey wasn't here to race. Petey is like one of those kids in primary school with no skill and brains. BUT if Petey can do it so can I. Ney, if Petey can do it you have to do it. With him not around to be pushed down the rocky descents first I had no proof that riding was possible. Mental Note: Organise meetings to be on during my race.....
Rohin limps back. It's mine and Wookie's job to get him up and going for Saturday.... In other words, he is F*****!
Rohin crashes.... what's with the umbrella?Race Time! And they're off! Wookie smashes around the course taking B-Lines at will and generally looks like he is going backwards. Luckily he has most of the crowd yelling support for him because every time he passes me I let him have an earful. Rohin is more sporting, he hasn't yet realised that Wookie isn't a good bloke. In the end Wookie finishes..... well I really don't know.... lets go with towards the back of the field. The course is pretty crazy and he did well just to finish yadda yadda yadda... whatever.
Jarrod using all of his powers to summon a good performance out of Wookie....Later that night I'm feeling pretty average and ready for bed. Too much fun? Rohin cooks up a delightful feast of healthy food. Wookie downs enough food to feed a village of people in Africa; well. Rohin can barely eat. He is too busy trying to avoid ending up on Wookies fork. This may cause him trouble tomorrow.
Saturday:
MMMMMMMM...... odour de man stink. If the cabin could of, it would have got up and walked away during the night, it's not like it is weighed down with thick comfy mattresses or insulation. Off to the course. The Elite Women's race was 1st up. Lets just say that the Aussie contingent wasn't exactly flying and the racing was not as exciting as one would have liked. Some cute Russian won.
There was lots of 'talent' on display in the women's race.... Next up, the Men's Elite World Cup. Rohins chance to strut his stuff in front of an adoring home crowd. It's now I realise the value of the aforementioned bogans. They are very loud and passionate, when they pry their lips off the rim of a can of premixed Uzo. The worlds best roll past at a rapid rate. Rohin is comfortably positioned towards the rear of the field. A feat that 99.9999% of the world could not achieve. After a couple of laps it's apparent that Rohin has a chance to finish the race. (Ed's note: In World Cup events you have to be within a certain % of time behind the leader otherwise you get pulled) "Go you good thing. Pin it you crazy Ginga! Beat the Kiwi's Rohin!" I yell. "Reooooorow, roaeroooooo," gargles Wookie. In the end it was not to be for Rohin. He got pulled out of the race by an angry arch nemesis with 1 lap to go. Bastard. Some cute Swiss guy won..... cough, I mean, some non neutral Swiss guy won.
In the end Rohin's injury got the better of him...Afterward was the 4X event. Which is like BMX on steroids.... The locals knuckles are dragging extra low by now. The sun has gone and the Fugly's are out in force. Then something happens. It rains...... Wookie informs us that he needs to be at the airport at 7:30pm as the Millennium Falcon leaves then. Rohin and I decide that yes we are getting old and don't like standing around in the rain and mud so we drop the Wookie off at the airport, grab a meal on the way and head back to the cabin.
Sunday:
Off to the airport. Check in. Time for the security. I walk through the scanner as some woman over by the wall is been frisked and lubed up. No beep. Great, I will grab my bags and be on my way. Not so fast there Mister. Some dude called Mohammed wants to search my carry on luggage for explosive residue (lucky he didn't check the cabin, hey Wookie?) He goes through the entire lot and just as I prepare myself for a body search he smiles and says, "OK, you seem alright." The nerve......
Goodbye:
Now as most of you know every ones favourite whipping boy, know it all and all round grumpy mate, Petey is off to Brisbane to live for a while. The worst bit is that he is taking his lovely girlfriend, M2 with him. (Ed's note: M2, if Petey is a part of a bet its fair to say you've earned the cash) As you all know Petey's old flame Richy Ring-In currently resides in Bris-Vegas which should make life interesting for the 3 of them. What the Closer Racing has learnt is that Petey is secretly trying to put M2 and Ring-In into a Survivor type situation to determine his one true love.
Ring-In and M2 competing for the ultimate man....The competitors will be expected to solve riddles like, "Who has had a harder life than Petey?" and one of Petey's favourite activities, "Pin the tail on the Alfy". Should be interesting and fortunately for us Channel 7 doesn't have the broadcast rights so we should see it live on TV and not on delay.
