The Closer Racing team shocked the field at the recent Mont 24 Team Enduro by pulling out of the contest with only 4 hours to go. After starting with a flurry and holding a position in the top 20 of a massive field, the team succumbed to a strange homoerotic combination of imitation and anal damage.
The imitation came in the form of Petey, in a vain attempt to live up to the feats of one of his idles, throwing himself over his handlebars, burying himself in the dirt. "I miss having Jarrod here. I thought if I crashed in the race it may instill some of his spirit into the team." When informed of this, Jarrod, in traction in the ICU said, "I'm touched. I heard he even tried to blame it on a mechanical issue. What a guy..."
The 2nd issue was one of horrific damage to the rear end of one of the team. (Ed's notes: we ain't talking about the rear of a bike either) The actual cause of this damage is unknown but the situation as it stands is that 5 males were in close confines, dressed in Lycra and single. (Ed's notes: well some of them are single) Mix in alcohol consumption, extreme fatigue and shear boredom and well.... you do the maths. To protect the innocent the name of the victim has been withheld. His code name for the investigation is Gerby, in honour of a former pet of Alfys who died in similar circumstances.
The other team members, Scotty and Ring-In 2 (Chris) had a relatively trouble free event. Chris was seen changing into his running gear in between laps "to get some exercise in" and challenging Alfy to some rounds of boxing. Unfortunately for Chris it was not to be, as the only rounds that Alfy was interested in were the rounds of cheese he was gorging on during the race. Alfy entertained himself by drinking, eating, telling stories and taking photos. "It was quite relaxing to be here actually. All i needed was a drinking buddy and a casino. They don't have a casino in Canberra. Only porn and fireworks. The dude at the shop took one look at me and wouldn't give me the fireworks. With my proven ability to drive a car, keep food on my plate and never miss my mouth with food, I thought I would be a shoe in."
Scotty meanwhile kept on trucking as he usually does. The combination of copious amounts of food and legs the size of tree trunks proved to be just the recipe for the big fella. Although it wasn't all 'beer and skittles' for Scotty, when asked whether he wanted to finish the last 4 hours in a pair he responded, "Get F#####!"
The team should be congratulated for this performance. They did it without Jarrod dragging the average lap times down and of more significance they managed to tune out Alfy's contagious laziness.
For Race Results click here:
http://www.mont24.com.au/DOWNLOADS/5399.pdf
Training update:
Recently Petey has been making serious strides in his riding. This may have a lot to do with his newly found training partner, M2. Whilst still spending most week days in Sin City he spends every waking hour on weekends in Melbourne with M2. The proof is in his riding, he has improved his climbing and strength immeasurably. Word on the street is that M2 is training his brains out. Keep up the good work M2.
Injury update:
As most of you would have heard, Jarrod decided that life was starting to go too well for him and had a massive crash. The end result was one completely smashed helmet, 3 breaks in the Scapula, a snapped Clavicle and a cut up bloody custom Closer Racing Jersey. Well after 4 weeks of recovery and reclining the results have been average........ The prognosis was originally a 10-12 week injury but it seems it will be closer to 20 weeks..... one of the xrays from Monday this week can be seen below.
20 seconds with...
Jarrod
Hey Jarrod. How are you going?
I'm OK. Thanks for taking over the Blog Scotty.
Yeah, thats OK. Are you sure youre Ok becasue that email your brother sent made me think....
Dude I'm fine.
Alright. Well when will you be back riding?
Hmmm, the doctor says 20 weeks but im optimistic. Im aiming for 16 weeks.
Im giving you a 61% chance of being correct.
What? Oh, yeah. Actually Scotty can you hang on a sec?
Sure buddy.
Puts phone down...
MUM! Where is my lunch? I'm freaking starving here. Jeez!
Picks up the phone...
I'm back Scotty.
Tell us how it happened Jarrod.
I dont know. I asked for a toasted sandwich about half an hour ago..
No no no no... I mean the crash. How did you do it?
Oh. That old chestnut. Well, i was riding along and.... and.. and.... oh for crying out loud the shitty recliner has broken down. I'm stuck! DAD! HELP ME GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!
Maybe I can call you back Jarrod when its more convenient for...
DAD! FUCK! YOUR SICK AND SORRY SON IS STUCK! HURRY UP!..... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! MUM, THE FREAKING SANDWICH!
The interview continued later that day.
Hey mate, feeling better?
Yeah thanks Scotty. I'm out of the chair. Its fixed now.
Ok so tell me about the crash.
Sure, well I was riding fast when these 20 ft tall kangaroos attacked me and forced me to crash.
That doesn't sound right Jarrod...
Did i say Kangaroos? I meant I had a mechanical problem that caused me to crash and...
Right...
Hang on Scotty Ive got to sit down. I'm feeling a bit light headed.
OK mate...
For crying out loud Grandma. Get out of the chair!... It was bought for you? I don't care. Get up!... Hurry up.... Yeah whatever... tell it to me walking oldy.
Ok.... shall we..
Oh crap Scott. My sandwich has been here for ages now. And they didn't even cut the crusts off for me....
The imitation came in the form of Petey, in a vain attempt to live up to the feats of one of his idles, throwing himself over his handlebars, burying himself in the dirt. "I miss having Jarrod here. I thought if I crashed in the race it may instill some of his spirit into the team." When informed of this, Jarrod, in traction in the ICU said, "I'm touched. I heard he even tried to blame it on a mechanical issue. What a guy..."
The 2nd issue was one of horrific damage to the rear end of one of the team. (Ed's notes: we ain't talking about the rear of a bike either) The actual cause of this damage is unknown but the situation as it stands is that 5 males were in close confines, dressed in Lycra and single. (Ed's notes: well some of them are single) Mix in alcohol consumption, extreme fatigue and shear boredom and well.... you do the maths. To protect the innocent the name of the victim has been withheld. His code name for the investigation is Gerby, in honour of a former pet of Alfys who died in similar circumstances.
The other team members, Scotty and Ring-In 2 (Chris) had a relatively trouble free event. Chris was seen changing into his running gear in between laps "to get some exercise in" and challenging Alfy to some rounds of boxing. Unfortunately for Chris it was not to be, as the only rounds that Alfy was interested in were the rounds of cheese he was gorging on during the race. Alfy entertained himself by drinking, eating, telling stories and taking photos. "It was quite relaxing to be here actually. All i needed was a drinking buddy and a casino. They don't have a casino in Canberra. Only porn and fireworks. The dude at the shop took one look at me and wouldn't give me the fireworks. With my proven ability to drive a car, keep food on my plate and never miss my mouth with food, I thought I would be a shoe in."
Scotty meanwhile kept on trucking as he usually does. The combination of copious amounts of food and legs the size of tree trunks proved to be just the recipe for the big fella. Although it wasn't all 'beer and skittles' for Scotty, when asked whether he wanted to finish the last 4 hours in a pair he responded, "Get F#####!"
The team should be congratulated for this performance. They did it without Jarrod dragging the average lap times down and of more significance they managed to tune out Alfy's contagious laziness.
For Race Results click here:
http://www.mont24.com.au/DOWNLOADS/5399.pdf
Training update:
Recently Petey has been making serious strides in his riding. This may have a lot to do with his newly found training partner, M2. Whilst still spending most week days in Sin City he spends every waking hour on weekends in Melbourne with M2. The proof is in his riding, he has improved his climbing and strength immeasurably. Word on the street is that M2 is training his brains out. Keep up the good work M2.
Injury update:
As most of you would have heard, Jarrod decided that life was starting to go too well for him and had a massive crash. The end result was one completely smashed helmet, 3 breaks in the Scapula, a snapped Clavicle and a cut up bloody custom Closer Racing Jersey. Well after 4 weeks of recovery and reclining the results have been average........ The prognosis was originally a 10-12 week injury but it seems it will be closer to 20 weeks..... one of the xrays from Monday this week can be seen below.
20 seconds with...
Jarrod
Hey Jarrod. How are you going?
I'm OK. Thanks for taking over the Blog Scotty.
Yeah, thats OK. Are you sure youre Ok becasue that email your brother sent made me think....
Dude I'm fine.
Alright. Well when will you be back riding?
Hmmm, the doctor says 20 weeks but im optimistic. Im aiming for 16 weeks.
Im giving you a 61% chance of being correct.
What? Oh, yeah. Actually Scotty can you hang on a sec?
Sure buddy.
Puts phone down...
MUM! Where is my lunch? I'm freaking starving here. Jeez!
Picks up the phone...
I'm back Scotty.
Tell us how it happened Jarrod.
I dont know. I asked for a toasted sandwich about half an hour ago..
No no no no... I mean the crash. How did you do it?
Oh. That old chestnut. Well, i was riding along and.... and.. and.... oh for crying out loud the shitty recliner has broken down. I'm stuck! DAD! HELP ME GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!
Maybe I can call you back Jarrod when its more convenient for...
DAD! FUCK! YOUR SICK AND SORRY SON IS STUCK! HURRY UP!..... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! MUM, THE FREAKING SANDWICH!
The interview continued later that day.
Hey mate, feeling better?
Yeah thanks Scotty. I'm out of the chair. Its fixed now.
Ok so tell me about the crash.
Sure, well I was riding fast when these 20 ft tall kangaroos attacked me and forced me to crash.
That doesn't sound right Jarrod...
Did i say Kangaroos? I meant I had a mechanical problem that caused me to crash and...
Right...
Hang on Scotty Ive got to sit down. I'm feeling a bit light headed.
OK mate...
For crying out loud Grandma. Get out of the chair!... It was bought for you? I don't care. Get up!... Hurry up.... Yeah whatever... tell it to me walking oldy.
Ok.... shall we..
Oh crap Scott. My sandwich has been here for ages now. And they didn't even cut the crusts off for me....
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