Petey the Mountain Goat

A normal Saturday morning training ride has turned into an eye opening experience for members of the Closer Racing Team. Petey, Jarrod and Chris (Ring-In 2) had planned a searching training ride through the picturesque Dandenong's for some much needed climbing kilometers. The thinking was that the usual script would be followed to the letter, Chris would do the majority of the work up the front while Jarrod would do his share and Pete would do none and still not be able to keep up. What actually transpired was very different... well at least the last bit was different, Pete still did virtually nothing from home to the base of the Dandenong's. At the start of the infamous "1 and 20", a gruelling 6.7km climb, a savage push by Petey felled both Chris and Jarrod and gave Petey the upper hand immediately. (Ed's note: This may not have happened) Racing up the climb laughing wildly, Petey didn't notice Chris had already got up off the ground, dusted himself off, hopped on his bike and ridden 100m ahead him. (Ed's note: This probably didn't happen either, actually it may have if the push had of happened in the first place.) Chris, fearing another physical assault from Pete (Ed's note: I would like to see Pete try and hurt Chris. That would be funny) decided to smash the spirits of Petey and Jarrod and disappeared off into the distance. This left Jarrod and Petey to battle it out for 2nd place. And what a battle it was... (Ed's note: It wasn't) After about 2km Petey picked up the pace and stretched Jarrod who was still smarting after doing SO MUCH WORK earlier compared to Pete. A smiling Petey admitted later, "Watching the Tour de France has taught me to save my efforts until I get the others so buggered they can barely pedal. Then I attack." The end result was that Petey opened up a 100m gap that would never be challenged. Chris, whilst waiting at the summit had enough time to read "War and Peace", lodge his tax return, finish 7 Suduko puzzles and get phone numbers off 3 random girls. "At least it wasn't a complete waste of time. I need the tax return refund, Ive always wanted to read that book, I got to learn how to do Suduko, and I haven't got a girlfriend yet." I hate that family.

Blog Updates:
There is a poll on the right of screen. You are encouraged to participate in order to make this site more useful and accessible to all. Unless you're a C grader or less, we don't care about them do we (name deleted).
Closer Racing Blog has attained some more photos of the team in action and will be posted soon.
Pete's Bike link, also on the right hand side has been updated. Check out the lovely Felt goodness.
Jarrod also has a new bike. Sort of. Its almost complete. "It's rather menacing to look at. It's got a real beastly feel. An aggressive mentality. So I call it, Bestiality. Bestiality Rules! Yeah! I love Bestiality. Oh, hang on a second that's not right............."

le Tour....

The Tour de France is taking its toll on the Closer Racing Team. Training rides have virtually stopped dead and racing has taken a back seat to late night tv, eating, avoiding the cold and XBox. Team member Jarrod is really struggling, "This whole job thingy sucks. If I stay up and watch the Tour til the early hours I really feel crap at work. Why cant we all just do nothing and make money?" When informed of Jarrod's view, Pete's response was, "Welcome to my world!" (Ed's note: I promise, that is the last time we use that line)

Scotty also has struggled, he was last seen rolling on the ground in the fetal position repeating, "There are no drug cheats in the Tour. There are no drug cheats in the Tour." Richy is displaying his dismay in another disturbing way, he has gone quiet, saying nothing when asked for a comment.

Luckily for the Team, unofficial team mascot Cadel Evans is 2nd overall in the General Classification (26th July 2007) and had these words for his buddies at the Closer Racing Team, "I try to model my riding on the combined abilities of the team. I never ride, like Richy. I try to stress my bike to the maximum like Scotty. I try not to cramp or crash like Jarrod but I find the best thing is to wear see-thru bike shorts like Petey. For some reason no one wants to be near me when I wear those things. Not sure why."

Race Update:

After ignoring pleas from his teammates, Petey decided to chase some tail instead of "Chasing the Sun". He went all the way to Castlemaine to race a 6 hr enduro. Petey performed admirably, finishing in the top 95% of the field or 3rd last of the finishing riders. Way to go Petey... baby steps.

Rob and Av performed much better coming 2nd in their class, showing Petey a clean set of heels and giving him something to dream about........ a podium finish.

There was an added bonus for Pete and his involvement in this race, we now have actual photographic proof of him racing. Before this, Pete's racing career was one of rumour and here say. Below is an action shot of the great man.

Eyes on the prize. Petey in action

20 Seconds with.......

Team Sponsor, Alfy

Hey Buddy. How are you going?

Good mate. How are you?

Umm, I'm good. Whats that noise? Are you driving while you're on the phone?

Yeah. I'm on my way to a wine tasting. I love wine now. You know its amazing how much you can spend on wine. If you're not careful you can rack up a big bill.

Yeah well most people....

Shut up bitch! Yes its purple and I quite like it. Its Unique........ Its not gay!

Alfy? What was that?

Sorry mate. Some primary school girl asked me if I was driving a Barbie BMW. Then her mum asked if I was gay.....

Well you do drive a purple BMW.

Anyway.....

Ok.... You've being pretty helpful in keeping the team stocked up with Jelly beans and various other casu.....

Did you say Cas? We should go to the casino.

Focus Alfy. It was a nice gesture to offer your support for the 24hr enduro in October.

(Alfy squeals with excitement) 24 thats one of my numbers. Its fate. We have to go. Come on man.

Dude, I'm not going to the casino now. Its 6:30PM on a Tuesday.

I'm ringing Scotty. He'll go....

Housekeeping:

Petey has a new bike. Its a roady. It means less head butting of the ground. Everyone is a winner.

Below is an impostor wearing the traditional Closer jersey in action.

Some schmuck riding...

Stats of the Day: 100% of Closer bloggers posts are derogatory comments about colleagues, sponsors and team members.

Less than 10% is factual content.

Needham Some Rest

A solid and consistent effort has seen Scotty finish a strong 36th overall in Race 3 of the Chase the Sun Series on the weekend. On a slippery, muddy course Scotty was able to post strong lap times throughout the 5 hour endurance event. "I was pretty happy until I realised that 4 girls had beaten me........" lamented a clearly exhausted Wookie. "I give myself a 76% chance of beating those girls next time."

Scott about to passed by another girl.

The course was one of boring open fire trails, stale water filled puddles and long stretches of mud, but through it all Scotty used his girth to muscle through it. "I did it all with little help from Jarrod and Petey, they had other plans and want to have kids one day so 5 hours didn't really appeal to them. I don't mind, those nasal sprays fix that problem don't they? They do? No? I'm sure someone will figure out a cure." Instead a support crew of Jess and friends did the job, allowing for smooth transitions. "It was good, much better than being handed drinks by those lady boys Jarrod and Petey."
Better for everyone Scotty....


20 seconds with......
Petey

Hey Petey sorry I'm late, I got stuck at work, just so much going on at the moment. Its really quite stressful.
Now you know how I feel! I've been working for 10 years like that........
Ummm, yeah. Whatever.... You seem a bit more cranky then usual Petey?
That's because I live with a useless (term deleted) goat (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted) individual who couldn't organise himself out of a paper bag.
You do have an interesting relationship with your housemate. Do you like to help him with his work.
Well he is an idiot. I, on the other hand am an experienced traveller, an expert in business law, pharmacology, economics, e-commerce, religion, the application of sauce on fries, taxation law, horticulture, hydration, karma sutra, politics. I even know what it feels like to go through labour. He needs me.....
Looking forward to the Mont?
Im not sure. It seems like a lot of effort...
Richy is going....
Is he? Cool I'm in then...... (smiles lovingly)
How have you rated your riding this season?
Is this going to take much longer? I need to pee and then i need to go to bed. It almost 8:30...
Ok well I guess that's all we have time for Petey. Thanks for your ti......
I like stories.....


Training Update:

It seems that Richy and Scotty are the only members of the Closer Racing Team who are getting serious kilometers into their legs. Jarrod has reported that he is tapering for the big event in October. "I dont want to overtrain. I think the best thing for me to do is sit on my arse all day and do as little exercise as possible. The extra weight will help cussion the fall when I crash my bike." Petey on the other hand is even less motivated, "I cant be (expletive deleted)!!! When you work as hard as I do you soon realise how hard life is and....." (Ed's Note: Blah Blah Blah. You get the idea.)
Scotty is on the rise and Richy has commented that he isnt doing much exercise. Which of course means that he is only riding 7 times a week. Yes it looks like those 2 will be expected to carry the load in Canberra this October.


Equipment update:

Well how can I put this??? Some Closer riders have reported soreness in the nether regions after long rides on the roady and mountain bike. It seems an answer is at hand. After lots of research and trials the saddle of choice was found. The Selle-SMP Strike
http://sellesmp-bicyclesaddles.com/index.php
It expensive but contacts within the Closer Team are trying to organise a better price. Stay tuned to see what develops.

"Scott" No Competition

A dominant "team" effort has lead to a runaway victory to Scotty in Wednesday night's race. Lead out by his selfless teammate, Jarrod, Scott blew away all comers to take the handicapped race and in return, was rewarded with a promotion to A- Grade as of next week. Jarrod, after pacing Scotty, finished well to take out 6th place earning a recall to B Grade.


Earlier, Jarrod struggled with the tempo, slipping back through the field at a rapid rate. "I was trying to use my gym buddy Alfy as inspiration tonight. He works so hard at the gym and always keeps me going. He really is fantastic in his ability to keep lifting weights and not complain. Didn't work for me tonight though...." A quick rev up by long time adversary, Andrew, and the sight of Scotty passing him like he was standing still was all that was required to give Jarrod the impetus to dig deeper and finish strongly. "I finally decided that using Alf as inspiration was draining me of energy so when I saw Scotty i focused on helping him, which in turn made me ride a lot faster. I have to focus like that from the start next week."

Scotty powering on as Jarrod fights his inner demons

But the real story was the Big Fella. Riding at an outstanding pace from the beginning, Scott cut his was through the field at a rapid rate. "I thought I wasn't going that fast but obviously I was. I passed a couple of riders very early and didn't look back from there." His consistent lap times may have been the direct result of one of Scott's mythical "snacks". When asked what a "snack" consisted of, Scott replied, "2 meat pies and 2 double strength long blacks."

Confusion reigned during the middle laps of the race. With Scotty not recognising his usual competition for the podium, he pushed even harder trying to catch the imaginary leaders, only realising later that he was in fact leading the race. "Yeah there was some new guy, I don't know. My life's the hardest."

The latter stages of the race saw many attacks and counter attacks but no change in the order, allowing Scotty to take the chequered flag. "I'm pretty stuffed and I need to eat. The doctor at the London is going to hook me up with an IV. Beer and a counter meal, straight in to the blood supply." Such serious medical conditions can sometimes make a man ponder the larger things in life, "Hey, maybe it could help me live forever? I may have to look into that...."

I don't know if the cycling world is prepared for that Scotty.



Disclaimer: Other than the actual race result, the events/quotes may or may not have occurred. Actually that rule could probably apply for the whole blog.



Housecleaning:

Rumour has it that Petey is actually riding to Sydney and back for his work, hence he isn't available for race duties. What an amazing athlete, much like Alfy, he is just so happy go lucky and always on the go. Good work Petey. I'm sure we will see you face planting the ground soon.



Training Camp:

BHP has kindly donated his parents home in "Sorrento" for an intense training camp for the Closer Team. Carbo loading, tasting new "energy" drinks and a massive amount of intense exercise will be on the cards. The only potential downer could be the presence of Ring In #1 and 2. There lazy attitude towards exercise can be infectious and render those around them couch bound and uninspired. Just ask Alfy.

Hot Air

Well, another weekend, another ride at Lysterfield. (Ed's Note: Must expand the horizons) The conditions were to put it bluntly, sloppy. Lots of sloppy riders, sloppy mud and sloppy riding. Say that word a few times and then you suddenly realise how offensive it is.
The Closer Racing Team consisted of only one rider, Jarrod, who hooked up the lights and MP3 player and braved the elements. Now, it must be said that the weather over the past week has tested the will power of any rider and the resilience of the trees..... the weather won on both counts. Scott and Pete, showing supreme commitment were no shows and there were fallen trees everywhere. One tree in particular caused Jarrod great delight when he failed to spot it on a downhill run until he was on top of it. He flew over the pile of debris and managed to hold on to the handlebars, just. He stopped, gathered his thoughts, maneuvered his manhood from his throat and back into its intended position (so graphic, sorry ladies) and looked back at the shoddily constructed log rollover. Stupid trees.........

Later in the ride a female was spotted on the track. Not wanting to ever to beaten by a girl, Jarrod rode like a man possessed to catch the lonesome Gumby. Unfortunately for Jarrod there was no prize for catching this particular Gumby. It turns out that she was a former acquaintance of the Closer Racing Team. To protect the innocent, her identity will not be revealed. (Ed's Note: Dim Sims anyone?) The unnamed girl realising the futility of her riding conceded position, then recognising the famous style of Jarrod, screamed out, "Hey Jarrod!"
In an extraordinary act of kindness Jarrod choose to ignore her, saving her from colourful profanity laced abuse. Nice work Jarrod, chivalry isn't dead.

Lastly, what's with guys on long travel bikes wearing full body armour riding around Lysterfield? Actually, scratch that. The Closer boys could probably do with the extra protection, just ask Scott's face, Pete's chin, Richy's shoulder or Jarrod's.... well pretty much everywhere.

20 Seconds with...
Richy.
Hey Buddy how have you been?
(silence..........) Good.
Whats your favourite memory from your time so far in the Closer Racing Team?
(silence...... I'm serious.. nothing... crickets) Meh...
Right.... good answer. Lets move on. How about your bike, how have you found the performance?
GO BOMBERS!
What the hell? Are you watching the footy?
(silence.......)
Richy? You there? Rich?
Hmmm? What was that?
It doesn't matter. Thanks for your time mate.
(silence......) Lloydy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WANTED:
-Any pictures of Petey racing. Heck any pictures of Pete in the same area as a bike. It doesnt even have to be real. Photshop is allowed. Ive had many emails from curious females inquiring about Petey's status. He is quite a catch....... (Ed's Note: Dont worry Pete, we have screened the picky ones.)
-Weight's partner for Jarrod. Tall, weak, uninspiring people need not apply.
-Personal chef for Scott. Must be able to cook "Taters" in large quantities and produce Pies on request.
-Book's for Jarrod: "1001 excuses for not finishing a bike race" OR: "How not to cramp at the mere thought of exercise."

NEWS:
With Race 3 of the Chase the Sun Series coming up in little under a month extra training will become paramount. The DirtRiders Winter Series will have race 2 on in June.
http://www.dirtridersmtb.com/calendar.html
Perhaps, the Closer Racing Team could race in pairs with Ring In #2 making 2 teams.