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Old material presented in a different way. Mind the language.

World Cup Diary

Wednesday:
Dear Diary,
Today I jumped into a van and journeyed up the Hume to sunny yet extremely cold Canberra as support for the Wookie. It's weird, I know Canberra is our nations capital, but the amount of knuckle dragging, donut burning, Southern Comfort swilling bogans scares me. It's almost as if the gene pool has been ravaged by promiscuous politicians, leaving the bastard children to mate and produce a new style of super inbred bogan...... anyway, I digress. If anyone asks, Canberra is awesome and a great place to just hang around and blow things up and drink until your speech patterns resemble Scotty's. Alfy shouldn't fly up here either. One look at him and the locals will lock him up on 'terror' charges.

Thursday:
Dear Diary,
F*** who turned off the F***'* heaters in this place. After a morning pedal on the road bike there is no sign of my genitalia. I'm putting it in the "Lost" ads.
Off to the course, the World Cup. So apparently the sun is out and in full force, accompanied by dust. Wicked. I give the Wookie a call, "when is your flight coming in?" I ask. "6:20 I think... something like that." After a second of thought I offer my services in picking up the big lug of a Wookie, "OK, I will come over and pick you up."
From there I cruised around talking to all the cool people. Of which none are household names. It has me asking myself, "What the hell am I doing here? And who the hell is that guy with the camera taking photos of girls in lycra?"
Thursday Night:
Hey diary..... I'm off to pick up Rohin and Wookie. Rohin is riding in the actual World Cup. Wookie thinks he should be able to stay with 17.52% of the Elite field. What planet is he on? Mental note: Watch "Caravan of Courage" to discover the lineage of the Wookie, maybe I can ascertain answers that way.
Wookie, This is your life...

Dinner is at a bar in one of the local suburbs. Think the bar scene at "The Shire" from "The Lord of the Rings" and it's nothing like it. Instead we have a group of grown adults playing Sim City or something on a projector screen in the bar. Smug looking nerds. I remember the day when nerds would huddle together to maintain their safety from 'Jocks' and keep their undies in one piece. It's at this stage that I ask myself, "Why would Wayne Carey 'glass' his model girlfriend when he could come to the ACT and get people like this?" Weird.
Rider of Rohin. Also available for the slaying of Orcs...

I can see Wookie is intense, he has waved away the next round of beers, preferring to stop at a dozen pots as opposed to his usual intake. Rohin is at another level. Healthy food served with red wine. Already Wookie knows, he is stuffed.
Bed time!!! Yay. I will have a course of 3 blokes farting and snoring in a small cabin please.

Friday:
Race day for the Wookie... and me apparently. Why does he insist on me looking like an idiot and hurting myself? Rohin has the beauty of importance. He is allowed to ride the course and make sure he is ok doing all the scary bits. I have to listen to Wookie tell how easy it will be and how the rocks won't hurt much...... funny how life takes weird turns. No sooner had we decided to watch the pros practise when Rohin crashes..... on rocks..... and they hurt...... alot..... stupid Wookie. There is nothing like having Wookie tell you something then having it proven incorrect within minutes.
Wookie and Jarrod talk tactics....

That pretty much sealed the deal for me, I'm not riding..... well, that and the fact that Petey wasn't here to race. Petey is like one of those kids in primary school with no skill and brains. BUT if Petey can do it so can I. Ney, if Petey can do it you have to do it. With him not around to be pushed down the rocky descents first I had no proof that riding was possible. Mental Note: Organise meetings to be on during my race.....
Rohin limps back. It's mine and Wookie's job to get him up and going for Saturday.... In other words, he is F*****!
Rohin crashes.... what's with the umbrella?

Race Time! And they're off! Wookie smashes around the course taking B-Lines at will and generally looks like he is going backwards. Luckily he has most of the crowd yelling support for him because every time he passes me I let him have an earful. Rohin is more sporting, he hasn't yet realised that Wookie isn't a good bloke. In the end Wookie finishes..... well I really don't know.... lets go with towards the back of the field. The course is pretty crazy and he did well just to finish yadda yadda yadda... whatever.
Jarrod using all of his powers to summon a good performance out of Wookie....

Later that night I'm feeling pretty average and ready for bed. Too much fun? Rohin cooks up a delightful feast of healthy food. Wookie downs enough food to feed a village of people in Africa; well. Rohin can barely eat. He is too busy trying to avoid ending up on Wookies fork. This may cause him trouble tomorrow.

Saturday:
MMMMMMMM...... odour de man stink. If the cabin could of, it would have got up and walked away during the night, it's not like it is weighed down with thick comfy mattresses or insulation. Off to the course. The Elite Women's race was 1st up. Lets just say that the Aussie contingent wasn't exactly flying and the racing was not as exciting as one would have liked. Some cute Russian won.
There was lots of 'talent' on display in the women's race....

Next up, the Men's Elite World Cup. Rohins chance to strut his stuff in front of an adoring home crowd. It's now I realise the value of the aforementioned bogans. They are very loud and passionate, when they pry their lips off the rim of a can of premixed Uzo. The worlds best roll past at a rapid rate. Rohin is comfortably positioned towards the rear of the field. A feat that 99.9999% of the world could not achieve. After a couple of laps it's apparent that Rohin has a chance to finish the race. (Ed's note: In World Cup events you have to be within a certain % of time behind the leader otherwise you get pulled) "Go you good thing. Pin it you crazy Ginga! Beat the Kiwi's Rohin!" I yell. "Reooooorow, roaeroooooo," gargles Wookie. In the end it was not to be for Rohin. He got pulled out of the race by an angry arch nemesis with 1 lap to go. Bastard. Some cute Swiss guy won..... cough, I mean, some non neutral Swiss guy won.
In the end Rohin's injury got the better of him...

Afterward was the 4X event. Which is like BMX on steroids.... The locals knuckles are dragging extra low by now. The sun has gone and the Fugly's are out in force. Then something happens. It rains...... Wookie informs us that he needs to be at the airport at 7:30pm as the Millennium Falcon leaves then. Rohin and I decide that yes we are getting old and don't like standing around in the rain and mud so we drop the Wookie off at the airport, grab a meal on the way and head back to the cabin.

Sunday:
Off to the airport. Check in. Time for the security. I walk through the scanner as some woman over by the wall is been frisked and lubed up. No beep. Great, I will grab my bags and be on my way. Not so fast there Mister. Some dude called Mohammed wants to search my carry on luggage for explosive residue (lucky he didn't check the cabin, hey Wookie?) He goes through the entire lot and just as I prepare myself for a body search he smiles and says, "OK, you seem alright." The nerve......

Goodbye:
Now as most of you know every ones favourite whipping boy, know it all and all round grumpy mate, Petey is off to Brisbane to live for a while. The worst bit is that he is taking his lovely girlfriend, M2 with him. (Ed's note: M2, if Petey is a part of a bet its fair to say you've earned the cash) As you all know Petey's old flame Richy Ring-In currently resides in Bris-Vegas which should make life interesting for the 3 of them. What the Closer Racing has learnt is that Petey is secretly trying to put M2 and Ring-In into a Survivor type situation to determine his one true love.
Ring-In and M2 competing for the ultimate man....

The competitors will be expected to solve riddles like, "Who has had a harder life than Petey?" and one of Petey's favourite activities, "Pin the tail on the Alfy". Should be interesting and fortunately for us Channel 7 doesn't have the broadcast rights so we should see it live on TV and not on delay.

Closer update.

Well, it seems that once again a lot of time has elapsed since my last post on the Closer Blog. What can I say? Work is a bitch. I don't want to do it. You don't want to do it. Alfy doesn't. As a matter of fact, no one should have to do it. If someone can devise a way to live well and do no work please drop me a line. People with rich irresponsible parents and drug dealers need not apply, well at least not straight away. There is too much work involved in being a dealer anyway. Anyhooo, enough of the sermon. Time to give you avid readers an update on the state of play.

Since the last post the Wookie has raced on more than 1 occasion and has had some good results. It's all training for the big fella, training for a huge international event, an event that is named in his honour. “I have slimmed down with all my riding as a part of my training for the pie eating contest. Jess likes it. My bike likes it. Petey doesn't. He thinks pot belly's are cool. He loves standing around in his Lycra showing off his belly.”
Look for Scotty at an endurance race riding solo, as opposed to a team, as our name would suggest. Yep, he sure was quick to drop his mates when he realised they were struggling with form and ill health. What a guy.

Petrovski..... where do we start with him? I guess the main positive to come from his inability to get out and ride would be the soft landing his belly will provide should he fly over the handlebars. In the words of the great man, “In my mind I still ride.” He actually rides, we just never see it. It's usually on weekends. And he doesn't even use lights, in fact, we hear he prefers the lights off. The good news is that Petey should be fresh if he so chooses to join the Lycra lads any time soon. "When you have the brain power that I possess and don't get rewarded, it gets to you. Especially when you see inferior intellects like Wookie and Alfy living like Kings..... My life is the hardest."

Ring-In 2 is taking off to the US of A to run.... surprise surprise. He does his usual 1000km weeks combined with 8hr runs through the middle of the night. Which brings me to my next point. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???????????????? He has had a positive impact on his landlord Alfy. Alfy has started, get this everyone, running. "It has taken a while. When I first started, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. Now I can jog without falling for at least 7km" a clearly proud and uncoordinated Alfy beamed. Personally I'm now counting down the days to the Apocalypse. What's next Alfy will start lifting weights again?.... (Eds note he has...) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Apparently Alfy expects to be benching 8KG any time now. Nice work Alfy. Keep on working on those string beans you call arms.....

Jarrod is also in training. For what, no one is quite sure, but he was spotted running the other day in his new Felt gear which he so unashamedly plugs at all times. Lets just say he isn't a svelte athlete at the moment. Not content with Petey's way of thinking, Jarrod has taken the pot to a new level.
Jarrod doing the "100m minute"
After suffering multiple near death experiences Jarrod has gone through something of a midlife crisis. He now rides a hot pink mountain bike and has been seen recently walking up climbs at different races while 15 year old girls fly by. "Hey, why ride when I can walk? Plus I jiggle less when I walk."
Hmmmm bagging myself in 3rd person... a new low for the Closer Blog.

CONGRATULATIONS:
The Wookie has proven that it is possible to bounce around on a small, hard, carbon saddle for hours on end and still reproduce...... AMAZING. It gives hope to the unfortunate female partners in the group. If you do marry one of us schmucks we may still be shooting straight.
An artists digital impression of a Wookie baby. Note pup is born attached to a bike.

Pete defeats teammate, World Stunned, Jarrod Shattered

A classic battle between Closer teammates Jarrod and Petey entertained and enthralled the 1 billion fans who braved the heat and the boredom (entertained, enthralled and bored all at once) to watch the Otway Great Ocean Road Classic on Saturday. Petey was thrilled with the victory, "This is the happiest day of my life since the time when Mandy2 thought I was someone else and kissed me." Jarrod on the other hand was distraught, "Losing to Petey! What's next? Losing to cross dressing albino apes? Speaking of primates, I guess I could ask Alfy to race. Maybe I could beat him." On reflection Jarrod did retract that comment, "Alfy in lycra with a helmet is an unbearable visual. Skinny, hairy legs. Skinny, hairy arms. Uggghhh... he should stick to riding camels."
The race itself was a bit of non event for the pair. 145km long with one nasty climb and one extremely fast descent. Otherwise the only highlight was Petey missing out of breaking 5hrs by 5 seconds. Hilarious stuff.
Mandy2 also competed, finishing a couple of hours after the Closer pair. "Yeah I'm rapt with that effort. As an added bonus I had 6 and a half hours away from Petey and Jarrod. Petey is hard enough to handle without having Jarrod around as well."
Almost lost in the crowd of millions, Mandy1 had an awesome day of watching 3500 bike riders go past for 5 hours. "I hate bikes."
Indeed it was a great day for all the fans of the Closer Racing Team, Petey and Jarrod in lycra and hours of entertainment at the good time capital of Torquay.

Scotty gets a new steed
Scotty has found a novel way of upgrading his bike every year. Get it stolen. More accurately, leave it in your car in a dodgy suburb for days on end and talk about how expensive it is in front of Junkie's as they walk by. Scotty may as well put a sign up advertising the bike for the locals. In any case he is now the proud owner of a brand new Scott (that's the brand.. he didn't write his name on it) Scale 35. For any interested Junkie the bike can be seen in the back of Scotty's car in any crap suburb near you. It's worth a least a few good nights out... or afternoon's for the harder sorts.

WE'RE BACK!!!

Lots of conjecture has surrounded the lack of content on the Closer Racing Blog. People had begun to wonder, was the ride was over for the team, had impressive result after impressive result worn them out. Were they struggling with expectations? The expectations of you, the adoring public? Well in the words of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger, "I'm pregnant!"... I mean, "You're fired!!"... ahhhh well you get the idea. They still get around the traps.

Since we last checked in there has being a trip to NZ, an awards ceremony and of course the anal raping Alpine Classic. Both of which were completed by various team members with varying individual results. Below is a brief transcript of the end of year Awards Ceremony Gala which saw all team members enjoy a successful night.

The Closer Racing Awards Ceremony Gala
The most sought after award in cycling, it measures performance, strength, heart and commitment. And of course we can't forget the Closer Statue. The statue everyone wants to take home: That statue is going straight to the pool room

The TAC award
This award is for sponsor's of the team who provide guidlines/ideologies taht are impossible to attain/follow.
The nominees are:
Scotty, for eating 12 meals a day and squeezing in 47 rides a week and still maintaining a marriage. Just.
Alfy, for purchasing a palace for a billion dollars, spending 50K on furniture and demanding a "wall of wine".
And the winner is...... Alfy.
"I'd like to thank my parents for instilling into me the belief that you can never spend too much on anything and that $600 bottles of wine are ok to drink sometimes... often? weekly... actually they are good for quoffing."

The cole Trickle/Maverick
This award is in honour of Tom Cruise and his characters in those classics Top Gun and Days of Thunder and there struggles to compete after 'incidents' damaged their psyche.
The nominees are:
Petey, for face planting the ground at Lysterfield and requiring stitches in his chin. It was an improvement.
Jarrod, for losing it and pitching head and shoulder 1st into the ground at Lysterfield.
Scotty, for hitting rocks at the You Yangs and saying "I need to sit down for a bit."
And the winner is...... Jarrod.
"I would like to thank Robert Duval and Goose for getting me through this. I went back to Lysterfield and rode through smoke and then threw a heart rate monitor into the bushes and hey presto I'm back. Wookie, you can be my wingman anytime."

The Selley's
This award is named after the Selley's No More Gaps wall filler.
The nominations are:
Chris, for picking up where Richy left off and doing a better job.
Mandy2, for replacing Richy for Petey. I hope thats working out better for Mandy2 than it did Richy. He had to move to Queensland.
And the winner is.... Chris.
"Once Petey met Mandy the role of fill in had less downside and I was in. Plus, Richy told me how much fun it was beating Scotty and then watching him go into denial then sook."

The Iraqi Minister of Defense award
Awarded to the team member who lives in a fantasy land and has generally has no idea.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for telling people that he may ride at the Mont in 4 weeks time. 16 weeks later and he still isnt racing.
Scott, for generally having no idea.
And the winner is Scotty.
"I'm not in denial! I cant evan spel the wurd! Asc me to spall it! I bet you I con't!"

The Bobbit Award
Awarded to the rider who has lost his balls and rides like the fairer sex.
The nominees are:
Petey, a perenial winner of this award, Petey at times rides slower than Alf trying to organise a date with this lady.
Jarrod, since his crash has avoided anything remotely exciting and fast.
And the winner is Jarrod.
"Thank you. I dont know what happened to my balls. I asked Mandy and she doesnt have them. 'H' told me that sometimes girls take them from you. Has anybody out there seen my balls?"

Houdini award
Awarded to the team member who can disappear without a trace.
The nominees are:
Petey, he disappears every Monday or Tuesday and magcially reappears most fridays, then disappears again for the whole weekend.
Richy, for going to amazing lengths to not wear a jersey with Alfy's shop logo on it and getting away from Petey, by moving to Queensland.
'H', for moving to Sydney so as not to have a bucks party where he is forced to shot gun beer properly and do shots out of Scotty's belly.
And the winner is Richy.
"Thanks."

The George Dub-Ya
Awarded to the team member with the best gear available but is so imcompetant that he is incapable of using it.
The nominees are:
Jarrod, for having 3 bikes that are worth well over 15K and putting up DNF after DNF.
Petey, for buying a new mountain bike and riding it twice in 4 months.
Chris, for buying a specailized.
And the winner is Petey.
"Ha Ha Ha.. very funny. I've had a hard week at work and I can't be arsed explaining to you why I know more than all of you."

The Fat Bastard V Mini Me
Awarded to the biggest guy to be beaten by someone half their size.
The nominees are:
Scott, for his constant embarrassing losses to the hands of Matt over in NZ.
Alfy, for losing at table tennis to a garden gnome with a bat taped to its head. (It may not have happened but if they were to square off my money would be on the Gnome.)
Jarrod, for his avoidance of the Arthur's Seat Challenge Vs Mandy2 that he surely would have lost.
And the winner is... Scotty.
"He didnt beat me by that much. I could always see him. (Ed's note: No he couldn't) Plus Matt is like a professional rider... at least Nicole didn't beat me up the hill Petey."

Racing Update:
Real Cross Country racing resumes at the You Yangs this weekend for the latest installment of the Vic Summer Series. Wookie is a certain starter, but at this stage no other Closer riders have confirmed entry.
The Otway Road Classic is on the 15th March, with Mandy2, Petey and Jarrod confirmed starters. It should be an interesting competition between the 3 with Petey the favourite to take home the cookies. "I've never being favourite for anything, least of all a bike race. I should race against girls more often."
On the 30th March the "Gut Full" will be run. Jarrod is doing the 90km event and should be whimpering his way through it somewhere after the 45km mark. For event details click HERE.

News Flash: Petey Storms to 2nd Place!!!

Early reports suggest that Closer Racing's very own Petey has ridden the race of his life and finished a barnstorming 2nd place at the Mt Macedon Summer Series race on Sunday. Petey's 2nd place overshadowed Scotty's 6th place in Sport A and proved once again how effective his training regime is. More news as it comes to hand!

Amendment:
We were a tad early in our praise of Petey. His finish wasn't exactly barnstorming, rather it could be described as treacle-like. He in fact finished 2nd last in Sports B. "I'm stuffed!" A clearly unfit and under prepared Petey exhaled. "That bloody Wookie said this would be a good idea. It's easy for him, he doesn't have to work as hard as I do. My life is the hardest." Petey's main competition for last position wasn't pleased with his ride or Petey. "I was catching Petey when he stopped and asked for help to change a tyre. So I stopped and before I knew it Petey had thrown my bike into a tree and I couldn't reach it." Petey was unrepentant, "Meh, if he can't reach the bike its his problem. Its 'gamesmanship'."
Scotty on the other hand had a problem free race from start to finish with a solid 6th place his reward. "Yeah, I'm pretty happy. I'd rather finish mid field in Sport A than win Sport B." (Ed's Note:Ahhhh dude you wouldn't have won Sport B either) For once, there is actual photographic evidence of these happenings, which is amazing for Scotty as the photographer's always seem to not take any shots of him. (Ed's Note: Have you seen Scotty? Its not like he is a 5ft 4" anorexic broom handle!!)
In any case, congratulations to both rider's. Scotty for finishing in the points and Petey for well...... not coming dead last.
Results can be seen here: http://www.ftf.com.au/cms/uploads/events/vssxcno1macedon.pdf


Petey doing his best impersonation of a real racer.... badly.


After getting help retrieving his bike from a tree, little Timmy almost caught Petey.


The search for the perfect Potato Gem drove Scotty to new heights.

Wookie goes to the head of the class

Scotty has put on a dominant display at the Wednesday night dirt crits to finish 1st in B Grade yesterday. "I was focused. That friggin blog thing last week really pissed me off!" Earlier, Scotty seemed to be struggling again, with defeat to a bunch of overweight middle aged men and a school boy looking likely. "I had a tough fight but I maintained my pace well and the competition couldn't match me. The guy with a wooden leg really pushed me hard. I'm pretty happy." The middle laps of the race saw Scotty duking it out with his 5ft 5" pre pubescent Nemesis but a sustained burst over 2 laps broke the school boys spirit. "Man I enjoyed beating that kid. It's such a relief....." Scotty's form line should serve him well in the upcoming XC Vic Series which starts Sunday 9th December at Mt Macedon with his climbing skills set to aid his pursuit of podium glory. "I haven't being on a podium since G-Spot days...."
Results of Scotty's inspirational win can be seen HERE

Poll Results:
The results of last weeks poll are in.....
It seems some readers of the Closer Racing Blog love nothing more than a stunning blond who is aptly known as Miss Universe, Jen Hawkins. She won the vote with 50% of votes going her way.
BUT, even heterosexual women would prefer:
Megan Gale 16%

OR....
Alf's Facebook Friend, didn't even get a single vote....

But instead they were both beaten in the poll by this man with 33% of the vote.
Here he is, your 2nd place getter......

Sad.....

Closer Racing Blog would like to thank Alfy for providing all photos for today's post.
The Closer Racing Blog is sponsored by the letter "P" and the number "7". The word of the day is "tardy".

A quick reminder

It has come to the Closer Racing Blog's attention that some of you haven't seen Petey in Lycra and hence are unable to make up your mind in the poll. Well here is a recent picture of the Adonis that is Petey. Notice the rippling muscles, tanned skin and intense gaze ladies, he is quite a catch. Except that he is already caught. Doesn't mean you can't vote for him though.

Racing Update:

Scott's race at the criterium's last Wednesday wasn't a complete work of fiction, the link to the Criterium's and race results is HERE. Mountain Bike Riders of all levels are welcome to come along and have a go, except for you Alfy. No gimps allowed.

Up the "crits" without a.....

Scotty made a pleasing comeback to the Knobbysports Wednesday night Crits this week. Pleasing for Scotty as it seems he hasn't lost ground to his main rivals from season 2006/2007 and pleasing for Jarrod as Scotty got smashed by a wee little newly turned 16 year old. "The only way it could have been better was if Scotty got beaten by a girl." A jovial Jarrod explained after the race. For Scotty though it was a solid 1st up effort, riding against rider's who had started their short course season 2 weeks prior. "I'm pretty sure that kid rides a lot more than he lets on." Lamented a slightly dejected Scotty, "I mean come on, I can't lose to a kid.... thats worse than losing to Petey." Scott's last point about Petey may have been on the mark as observers noted that the big fella lacked his usual rhythm and drive in the absense of Richy, Petey, Chris and Jarrod. "I love beating my mates. Have I told you that I had a faster lap time than Richy at the Mont? He was soooo mad. I tried not to laugh at him."

Up next week is a team criterium race. Now you would think that given that the Closer Racing Team is a team it would be no problem getting another rider for Scotty to pair up with. BUT, the Closer Racing Team is no ordinary collection of useless unreliable bastards. Jarrod is still a gimp, Richy still lives far far away, Petey is always in Sydney with Jess and Chris is well.... running. It will be up to Scotty to remember to arange a partner which means only one thing; Scotty will be racing solo next week.

Training update:

A recent team bonding session at the races was a useful tool to remind everybody why the Closer Racing Team struggles to attract other team members. They are annoying. Very annoying. Alfy did raise one point of conjecture, who is better, Meagan Gale or Jennifer Hawkins. You decide: ( thats for you Alfy... )

Anyhoo, the famous Closer Jersey is in need of a touch up and update. We have new members and prospective members to cater for. So with that in mind the Closer Racing Blog is starting a design competition. There will be a prize, some of you may or may not like it, you could ask Richy how he felt after the Mont for an idea on how it felt to receive it.

This is the current design:

The current clubhouse leader at this stage is the entry sent in by Petey and can be seen below: Nice work Petey. Crayons are fun!

EXCLUSIVE! Jarrod's crash caught on tape.

Closer Racing Blog has discovered this footage. It's believed to be Jarrod's recent crash or a copycat crash by Petey at the Mont.

Knock me down and call me MONTy

The Closer Racing team shocked the field at the recent Mont 24 Team Enduro by pulling out of the contest with only 4 hours to go. After starting with a flurry and holding a position in the top 20 of a massive field, the team succumbed to a strange homoerotic combination of imitation and anal damage.
The imitation came in the form of Petey, in a vain attempt to live up to the feats of one of his idles, throwing himself over his handlebars, burying himself in the dirt. "I miss having Jarrod here. I thought if I crashed in the race it may instill some of his spirit into the team." When informed of this, Jarrod, in traction in the ICU said, "I'm touched. I heard he even tried to blame it on a mechanical issue. What a guy..."
The 2nd issue was one of horrific damage to the rear end of one of the team. (Ed's notes: we ain't talking about the rear of a bike either) The actual cause of this damage is unknown but the situation as it stands is that 5 males were in close confines, dressed in Lycra and single. (Ed's notes: well some of them are single) Mix in alcohol consumption, extreme fatigue and shear boredom and well.... you do the maths. To protect the innocent the name of the victim has been withheld. His code name for the investigation is Gerby, in honour of a former pet of Alfys who died in similar circumstances.
The other team members, Scotty and Ring-In 2 (Chris) had a relatively trouble free event. Chris was seen changing into his running gear in between laps "to get some exercise in" and challenging Alfy to some rounds of boxing. Unfortunately for Chris it was not to be, as the only rounds that Alfy was interested in were the rounds of cheese he was gorging on during the race. Alfy entertained himself by drinking, eating, telling stories and taking photos. "It was quite relaxing to be here actually. All i needed was a drinking buddy and a casino. They don't have a casino in Canberra. Only porn and fireworks. The dude at the shop took one look at me and wouldn't give me the fireworks. With my proven ability to drive a car, keep food on my plate and never miss my mouth with food, I thought I would be a shoe in."
Scotty meanwhile kept on trucking as he usually does. The combination of copious amounts of food and legs the size of tree trunks proved to be just the recipe for the big fella. Although it wasn't all 'beer and skittles' for Scotty, when asked whether he wanted to finish the last 4 hours in a pair he responded, "Get F#####!"
The team should be congratulated for this performance. They did it without Jarrod dragging the average lap times down and of more significance they managed to tune out Alfy's contagious laziness.
For Race Results click here:
http://www.mont24.com.au/DOWNLOADS/5399.pdf

Training update:
Recently Petey has been making serious strides in his riding. This may have a lot to do with his newly found training partner, M2. Whilst still spending most week days in Sin City he spends every waking hour on weekends in Melbourne with M2. The proof is in his riding, he has improved his climbing and strength immeasurably. Word on the street is that M2 is training his brains out. Keep up the good work M2.

Injury update:
As most of you would have heard, Jarrod decided that life was starting to go too well for him and had a massive crash. The end result was one completely smashed helmet, 3 breaks in the Scapula, a snapped Clavicle and a cut up bloody custom Closer Racing Jersey. Well after 4 weeks of recovery and reclining the results have been average........ The prognosis was originally a 10-12 week injury but it seems it will be closer to 20 weeks..... one of the xrays from Monday this week can be seen below.

20 seconds with...
Jarrod

Hey Jarrod. How are you going?
I'm OK. Thanks for taking over the Blog Scotty.
Yeah, thats OK. Are you sure youre Ok becasue that email your brother sent made me think....
Dude I'm fine.
Alright. Well when will you be back riding?
Hmmm, the doctor says 20 weeks but im optimistic. Im aiming for 16 weeks.
Im giving you a 61% chance of being correct.
What? Oh, yeah. Actually Scotty can you hang on a sec?
Sure buddy.
Puts phone down...
MUM! Where is my lunch? I'm freaking starving here. Jeez!
Picks up the phone...
I'm back Scotty.
Tell us how it happened Jarrod.
I dont know. I asked for a toasted sandwich about half an hour ago..
No no no no... I mean the crash. How did you do it?
Oh. That old chestnut. Well, i was riding along and.... and.. and.... oh for crying out loud the shitty recliner has broken down. I'm stuck! DAD! HELP ME GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!
Maybe I can call you back Jarrod when its more convenient for...
DAD! FUCK! YOUR SICK AND SORRY SON IS STUCK! HURRY UP!..... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! MUM, THE FREAKING SANDWICH!
The interview continued later that day.
Hey mate, feeling better?
Yeah thanks Scotty. I'm out of the chair. Its fixed now.
Ok so tell me about the crash.
Sure, well I was riding fast when these 20 ft tall kangaroos attacked me and forced me to crash.
That doesn't sound right Jarrod...
Did i say Kangaroos? I meant I had a mechanical problem that caused me to crash and...
Right...
Hang on Scotty Ive got to sit down. I'm feeling a bit light headed.
OK mate...
For crying out loud Grandma. Get out of the chair!... It was bought for you? I don't care. Get up!... Hurry up.... Yeah whatever... tell it to me walking oldy.
Ok.... shall we..
Oh crap Scott. My sandwich has been here for ages now. And they didn't even cut the crusts off for me....

No longer a Rich man

Richy was sensationally dropped by the Closer Racing Team for not complying with team rules. It was discovered by team members and sponsors that Richy had entered an enduro in the sunshine state and actually won. "I don't think the CEO of The Closer Group is very happy." Jarrod whispered as the news broke. "It's in our contract to not win any races until the big fella has done it first. Scotty is pretty distressed. He's just ordered his 1st serve of potato gems. Its looking grim." Scotty was later heard discussing his training options on the phone with his "doctor". "Why would I do it? I've got so much to lose..... It does what? How much stronger?..... and I will beat Richy again? OK. Sounds good..... Do the injections hurt? No? Great, I will see you in 30 minutes"

Hey! Where did that tree come from?

The other teammates took the news in their stride. "Well, once I got over the fact that Richy was hanging out with other men without telling me I was quite chuffed for him. My Psychologist said that it was a positive step for me." Confided a nervous Petey.
"I'm happy for him." A visibly saddened Jarrod said. "Just another one of my friends who is better than me at something. Time for a new sport. Do you know if any of my mates are any good at synchronised swimming? Ah crap I cant swim either.... shit!"
"That's nothing!" Laughed Chris (Ring-In 2) "I run for 13 days straight for shits and giggles. 12 hours isn't even a training run"
On a weekend retreat Alfy offered his support in the form of groaning quietly, and gurgling on his own vomit. Eventually he was able to convey his thoughts, "Richy a bad man.......... (Alfy resumes gurgling)"

In what was seen as a positive for Richy and potential reinstatement, Scotty announced that if he is able to win the up coming Chase the Sun Enduro he would consider Richy's plea to rejoin the team. Richy offered a firm dead silence when asked for a comment on his situation.


For people (Av & Petey... but mostly Petey) interested in the result click the link below:
http://www.twowheelpromotions.com.au/files/results07/Results_Race_face_12hr_2007.pdf


Race Update:
This weekend is the last of the "Chase the Sun" series at Lysterfield Park. It should be a ball breaking event as the track is hilly and extremely muddy. As of Wednesday night Scotty and Jarrod were the only confirmed starters in the 7 hour race. Richy lives too far away, Alfy is useless at all physical activities that don't require hand cream and a sock (Ed's Note: He's probably unco at that too), Chris has smashed his leg skiing and Av and Rob aren't stupid enough to enter. Which leaves us with Petey. He has to enter. Pressure him people! Anyhoo, if you want to see a grown man crying (Jarrod), a broken man (Petey) and a man who obviously rides way too much (Scott) then come along this Sunday and laugh 'til' it hurts.


Training Update:
Lysterfield is a disgrace. Mud everywhere. It's just too hard to ride.
Road riding is only good when you have a big bloke to sit behind to do all the work for you.
Here endeth the lesson.


Closer Blog Demographic:
The 1st poll has shown some interesting trends and opinions amongst the unwashed, otherwise known as Closer Racing Blog readers.
-A whopping 85% of readers believe the "Schmucks" on the team deserve the offensive writeups often seen on this site.
-14% said that we should tidy up our act and be nice. Well, we know who you are buddy! (Ed's Note: No we don't)
-1% Found the poll too confusing.
-The poll also showed that neither Alfy or Petey voted. Voting is compulsory in this country Alfy! You would know that if you weren't a goat (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted) (Ethnic denomination deleted). Petey, once again you have no excuse. Poor.


20 Seconds with....
Scotty:

Hey buddy. Thanks for taking the call.
Hey mate. No problem's.
Whats that noise?
What? Oh I'm on the exercise bike.
Hey? It's Saturday night and you're on a ski weekend. Why are you doing that?
Well I've decided to ride 8 hours a day so I need to squeeze a little pedal in here and there.
Right......
Hang on. Petey wants to say something.
(Petey) WASSSSSSUPPPPP!!!!!! I'm soooooooo drunk!
Thanks Petey. Scotty, you back on?
Yeah. Sorry about that. Richy came into the lodge and poured 6 shots each and he made us do them.
Oh don't let that...
Its not my Bucks guys!
Whats wrong Scotty?
Ah nothing, I just had a shower with Grizzly and now people are trying stick food into my stomach and do shots from my belly....
Scotty? Scotty?
The interview was continued the next day.
Hey Scotty lets pick up where we left off last night.
I don't feel too good.... hey? What are you talking about? We didn't do anything last night.
Ahh yes we did. You were doing shots whilst riding your bike and getting food stuck into you.
Oh man I don't remember any of that. I know i was really wet and freezing cold and I seem to be wearing a nappy. Look man I've got to go back to bed. Whats Alfy doing sleeping there? That can't be comfortable............

Petey the Mountain Goat

A normal Saturday morning training ride has turned into an eye opening experience for members of the Closer Racing Team. Petey, Jarrod and Chris (Ring-In 2) had planned a searching training ride through the picturesque Dandenong's for some much needed climbing kilometers. The thinking was that the usual script would be followed to the letter, Chris would do the majority of the work up the front while Jarrod would do his share and Pete would do none and still not be able to keep up. What actually transpired was very different... well at least the last bit was different, Pete still did virtually nothing from home to the base of the Dandenong's. At the start of the infamous "1 and 20", a gruelling 6.7km climb, a savage push by Petey felled both Chris and Jarrod and gave Petey the upper hand immediately. (Ed's note: This may not have happened) Racing up the climb laughing wildly, Petey didn't notice Chris had already got up off the ground, dusted himself off, hopped on his bike and ridden 100m ahead him. (Ed's note: This probably didn't happen either, actually it may have if the push had of happened in the first place.) Chris, fearing another physical assault from Pete (Ed's note: I would like to see Pete try and hurt Chris. That would be funny) decided to smash the spirits of Petey and Jarrod and disappeared off into the distance. This left Jarrod and Petey to battle it out for 2nd place. And what a battle it was... (Ed's note: It wasn't) After about 2km Petey picked up the pace and stretched Jarrod who was still smarting after doing SO MUCH WORK earlier compared to Pete. A smiling Petey admitted later, "Watching the Tour de France has taught me to save my efforts until I get the others so buggered they can barely pedal. Then I attack." The end result was that Petey opened up a 100m gap that would never be challenged. Chris, whilst waiting at the summit had enough time to read "War and Peace", lodge his tax return, finish 7 Suduko puzzles and get phone numbers off 3 random girls. "At least it wasn't a complete waste of time. I need the tax return refund, Ive always wanted to read that book, I got to learn how to do Suduko, and I haven't got a girlfriend yet." I hate that family.

Blog Updates:
There is a poll on the right of screen. You are encouraged to participate in order to make this site more useful and accessible to all. Unless you're a C grader or less, we don't care about them do we (name deleted).
Closer Racing Blog has attained some more photos of the team in action and will be posted soon.
Pete's Bike link, also on the right hand side has been updated. Check out the lovely Felt goodness.
Jarrod also has a new bike. Sort of. Its almost complete. "It's rather menacing to look at. It's got a real beastly feel. An aggressive mentality. So I call it, Bestiality. Bestiality Rules! Yeah! I love Bestiality. Oh, hang on a second that's not right............."

le Tour....

The Tour de France is taking its toll on the Closer Racing Team. Training rides have virtually stopped dead and racing has taken a back seat to late night tv, eating, avoiding the cold and XBox. Team member Jarrod is really struggling, "This whole job thingy sucks. If I stay up and watch the Tour til the early hours I really feel crap at work. Why cant we all just do nothing and make money?" When informed of Jarrod's view, Pete's response was, "Welcome to my world!" (Ed's note: I promise, that is the last time we use that line)

Scotty also has struggled, he was last seen rolling on the ground in the fetal position repeating, "There are no drug cheats in the Tour. There are no drug cheats in the Tour." Richy is displaying his dismay in another disturbing way, he has gone quiet, saying nothing when asked for a comment.

Luckily for the Team, unofficial team mascot Cadel Evans is 2nd overall in the General Classification (26th July 2007) and had these words for his buddies at the Closer Racing Team, "I try to model my riding on the combined abilities of the team. I never ride, like Richy. I try to stress my bike to the maximum like Scotty. I try not to cramp or crash like Jarrod but I find the best thing is to wear see-thru bike shorts like Petey. For some reason no one wants to be near me when I wear those things. Not sure why."

Race Update:

After ignoring pleas from his teammates, Petey decided to chase some tail instead of "Chasing the Sun". He went all the way to Castlemaine to race a 6 hr enduro. Petey performed admirably, finishing in the top 95% of the field or 3rd last of the finishing riders. Way to go Petey... baby steps.

Rob and Av performed much better coming 2nd in their class, showing Petey a clean set of heels and giving him something to dream about........ a podium finish.

There was an added bonus for Pete and his involvement in this race, we now have actual photographic proof of him racing. Before this, Pete's racing career was one of rumour and here say. Below is an action shot of the great man.

Eyes on the prize. Petey in action

20 Seconds with.......

Team Sponsor, Alfy

Hey Buddy. How are you going?

Good mate. How are you?

Umm, I'm good. Whats that noise? Are you driving while you're on the phone?

Yeah. I'm on my way to a wine tasting. I love wine now. You know its amazing how much you can spend on wine. If you're not careful you can rack up a big bill.

Yeah well most people....

Shut up bitch! Yes its purple and I quite like it. Its Unique........ Its not gay!

Alfy? What was that?

Sorry mate. Some primary school girl asked me if I was driving a Barbie BMW. Then her mum asked if I was gay.....

Well you do drive a purple BMW.

Anyway.....

Ok.... You've being pretty helpful in keeping the team stocked up with Jelly beans and various other casu.....

Did you say Cas? We should go to the casino.

Focus Alfy. It was a nice gesture to offer your support for the 24hr enduro in October.

(Alfy squeals with excitement) 24 thats one of my numbers. Its fate. We have to go. Come on man.

Dude, I'm not going to the casino now. Its 6:30PM on a Tuesday.

I'm ringing Scotty. He'll go....

Housekeeping:

Petey has a new bike. Its a roady. It means less head butting of the ground. Everyone is a winner.

Below is an impostor wearing the traditional Closer jersey in action.

Some schmuck riding...

Stats of the Day: 100% of Closer bloggers posts are derogatory comments about colleagues, sponsors and team members.

Less than 10% is factual content.

Needham Some Rest

A solid and consistent effort has seen Scotty finish a strong 36th overall in Race 3 of the Chase the Sun Series on the weekend. On a slippery, muddy course Scotty was able to post strong lap times throughout the 5 hour endurance event. "I was pretty happy until I realised that 4 girls had beaten me........" lamented a clearly exhausted Wookie. "I give myself a 76% chance of beating those girls next time."

Scott about to passed by another girl.

The course was one of boring open fire trails, stale water filled puddles and long stretches of mud, but through it all Scotty used his girth to muscle through it. "I did it all with little help from Jarrod and Petey, they had other plans and want to have kids one day so 5 hours didn't really appeal to them. I don't mind, those nasal sprays fix that problem don't they? They do? No? I'm sure someone will figure out a cure." Instead a support crew of Jess and friends did the job, allowing for smooth transitions. "It was good, much better than being handed drinks by those lady boys Jarrod and Petey."
Better for everyone Scotty....


20 seconds with......
Petey

Hey Petey sorry I'm late, I got stuck at work, just so much going on at the moment. Its really quite stressful.
Now you know how I feel! I've been working for 10 years like that........
Ummm, yeah. Whatever.... You seem a bit more cranky then usual Petey?
That's because I live with a useless (term deleted) goat (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted) individual who couldn't organise himself out of a paper bag.
You do have an interesting relationship with your housemate. Do you like to help him with his work.
Well he is an idiot. I, on the other hand am an experienced traveller, an expert in business law, pharmacology, economics, e-commerce, religion, the application of sauce on fries, taxation law, horticulture, hydration, karma sutra, politics. I even know what it feels like to go through labour. He needs me.....
Looking forward to the Mont?
Im not sure. It seems like a lot of effort...
Richy is going....
Is he? Cool I'm in then...... (smiles lovingly)
How have you rated your riding this season?
Is this going to take much longer? I need to pee and then i need to go to bed. It almost 8:30...
Ok well I guess that's all we have time for Petey. Thanks for your ti......
I like stories.....


Training Update:

It seems that Richy and Scotty are the only members of the Closer Racing Team who are getting serious kilometers into their legs. Jarrod has reported that he is tapering for the big event in October. "I dont want to overtrain. I think the best thing for me to do is sit on my arse all day and do as little exercise as possible. The extra weight will help cussion the fall when I crash my bike." Petey on the other hand is even less motivated, "I cant be (expletive deleted)!!! When you work as hard as I do you soon realise how hard life is and....." (Ed's Note: Blah Blah Blah. You get the idea.)
Scotty is on the rise and Richy has commented that he isnt doing much exercise. Which of course means that he is only riding 7 times a week. Yes it looks like those 2 will be expected to carry the load in Canberra this October.


Equipment update:

Well how can I put this??? Some Closer riders have reported soreness in the nether regions after long rides on the roady and mountain bike. It seems an answer is at hand. After lots of research and trials the saddle of choice was found. The Selle-SMP Strike
http://sellesmp-bicyclesaddles.com/index.php
It expensive but contacts within the Closer Team are trying to organise a better price. Stay tuned to see what develops.

"Scott" No Competition

A dominant "team" effort has lead to a runaway victory to Scotty in Wednesday night's race. Lead out by his selfless teammate, Jarrod, Scott blew away all comers to take the handicapped race and in return, was rewarded with a promotion to A- Grade as of next week. Jarrod, after pacing Scotty, finished well to take out 6th place earning a recall to B Grade.


Earlier, Jarrod struggled with the tempo, slipping back through the field at a rapid rate. "I was trying to use my gym buddy Alfy as inspiration tonight. He works so hard at the gym and always keeps me going. He really is fantastic in his ability to keep lifting weights and not complain. Didn't work for me tonight though...." A quick rev up by long time adversary, Andrew, and the sight of Scotty passing him like he was standing still was all that was required to give Jarrod the impetus to dig deeper and finish strongly. "I finally decided that using Alf as inspiration was draining me of energy so when I saw Scotty i focused on helping him, which in turn made me ride a lot faster. I have to focus like that from the start next week."

Scotty powering on as Jarrod fights his inner demons

But the real story was the Big Fella. Riding at an outstanding pace from the beginning, Scott cut his was through the field at a rapid rate. "I thought I wasn't going that fast but obviously I was. I passed a couple of riders very early and didn't look back from there." His consistent lap times may have been the direct result of one of Scott's mythical "snacks". When asked what a "snack" consisted of, Scott replied, "2 meat pies and 2 double strength long blacks."

Confusion reigned during the middle laps of the race. With Scotty not recognising his usual competition for the podium, he pushed even harder trying to catch the imaginary leaders, only realising later that he was in fact leading the race. "Yeah there was some new guy, I don't know. My life's the hardest."

The latter stages of the race saw many attacks and counter attacks but no change in the order, allowing Scotty to take the chequered flag. "I'm pretty stuffed and I need to eat. The doctor at the London is going to hook me up with an IV. Beer and a counter meal, straight in to the blood supply." Such serious medical conditions can sometimes make a man ponder the larger things in life, "Hey, maybe it could help me live forever? I may have to look into that...."

I don't know if the cycling world is prepared for that Scotty.



Disclaimer: Other than the actual race result, the events/quotes may or may not have occurred. Actually that rule could probably apply for the whole blog.



Housecleaning:

Rumour has it that Petey is actually riding to Sydney and back for his work, hence he isn't available for race duties. What an amazing athlete, much like Alfy, he is just so happy go lucky and always on the go. Good work Petey. I'm sure we will see you face planting the ground soon.



Training Camp:

BHP has kindly donated his parents home in "Sorrento" for an intense training camp for the Closer Team. Carbo loading, tasting new "energy" drinks and a massive amount of intense exercise will be on the cards. The only potential downer could be the presence of Ring In #1 and 2. There lazy attitude towards exercise can be infectious and render those around them couch bound and uninspired. Just ask Alfy.

Hot Air

Well, another weekend, another ride at Lysterfield. (Ed's Note: Must expand the horizons) The conditions were to put it bluntly, sloppy. Lots of sloppy riders, sloppy mud and sloppy riding. Say that word a few times and then you suddenly realise how offensive it is.
The Closer Racing Team consisted of only one rider, Jarrod, who hooked up the lights and MP3 player and braved the elements. Now, it must be said that the weather over the past week has tested the will power of any rider and the resilience of the trees..... the weather won on both counts. Scott and Pete, showing supreme commitment were no shows and there were fallen trees everywhere. One tree in particular caused Jarrod great delight when he failed to spot it on a downhill run until he was on top of it. He flew over the pile of debris and managed to hold on to the handlebars, just. He stopped, gathered his thoughts, maneuvered his manhood from his throat and back into its intended position (so graphic, sorry ladies) and looked back at the shoddily constructed log rollover. Stupid trees.........

Later in the ride a female was spotted on the track. Not wanting to ever to beaten by a girl, Jarrod rode like a man possessed to catch the lonesome Gumby. Unfortunately for Jarrod there was no prize for catching this particular Gumby. It turns out that she was a former acquaintance of the Closer Racing Team. To protect the innocent, her identity will not be revealed. (Ed's Note: Dim Sims anyone?) The unnamed girl realising the futility of her riding conceded position, then recognising the famous style of Jarrod, screamed out, "Hey Jarrod!"
In an extraordinary act of kindness Jarrod choose to ignore her, saving her from colourful profanity laced abuse. Nice work Jarrod, chivalry isn't dead.

Lastly, what's with guys on long travel bikes wearing full body armour riding around Lysterfield? Actually, scratch that. The Closer boys could probably do with the extra protection, just ask Scott's face, Pete's chin, Richy's shoulder or Jarrod's.... well pretty much everywhere.

20 Seconds with...
Richy.
Hey Buddy how have you been?
(silence..........) Good.
Whats your favourite memory from your time so far in the Closer Racing Team?
(silence...... I'm serious.. nothing... crickets) Meh...
Right.... good answer. Lets move on. How about your bike, how have you found the performance?
GO BOMBERS!
What the hell? Are you watching the footy?
(silence.......)
Richy? You there? Rich?
Hmmm? What was that?
It doesn't matter. Thanks for your time mate.
(silence......) Lloydy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WANTED:
-Any pictures of Petey racing. Heck any pictures of Pete in the same area as a bike. It doesnt even have to be real. Photshop is allowed. Ive had many emails from curious females inquiring about Petey's status. He is quite a catch....... (Ed's Note: Dont worry Pete, we have screened the picky ones.)
-Weight's partner for Jarrod. Tall, weak, uninspiring people need not apply.
-Personal chef for Scott. Must be able to cook "Taters" in large quantities and produce Pies on request.
-Book's for Jarrod: "1001 excuses for not finishing a bike race" OR: "How not to cramp at the mere thought of exercise."

NEWS:
With Race 3 of the Chase the Sun Series coming up in little under a month extra training will become paramount. The DirtRiders Winter Series will have race 2 on in June.
http://www.dirtridersmtb.com/calendar.html
Perhaps, the Closer Racing Team could race in pairs with Ring In #2 making 2 teams.

Ring Ins.......

Training ride at Bourke St..... I mean Lysterfield today. The "Ring In" brought along his own "Ring In" for the ride in the form of his brother, Chris. This addition to the squad upped the ante for the group and a fast paced ride ensued. After just over 20 minutes Petey called it a day due to over training. The previous days 1 hr ride must have taken its toll on Pete, as he took it as a bad sign when a bunch of Girl Guides passed him on the downhill burms. Pete, its quality not quantity that counts and that was 20 odd minutes of the finest riding seen in these parts. By Pete or any group of Girl Guides at least anyway.

After cutting the dead wood the group were lead by Jarrod, who was picking his spots on when to drive the group harder. As per usual the flowing single track and downhill sections were no problems but the climbs were rather pedestrian. Richy, a man on a mission decided to take the lead and do his usual superman effort by riding like a freaking crazy man. Seriously, there is something wrong with that man. Wookie took the challenge head on and hung on the the rear wheel of Richy. The alpha male challenge was on. Surprisingly Chris joined the challenge and showed some great riding ability for a 1st timer.... damn I hate that family.

After an hour and a half the session was at a close. Richy was left to bask in the glory of getting back to the car first, Scott was left to rue his failings as a man, Chris was to ponder what all the fuss about mountain bike riding was and Jarrod was left to wonder what would happen if Richy brought along his other brother.... damn I hate that family.

Crash Update:
Some tool wrecked one of the faster, more fun log roll overs by destroying one side. As a result Jarrod rolled over the log only to find a slightly smaller one about 80cm behind it. The end result was a spectacular over the bars fall.......

Race update:
Closer Racing Team has signalled its intention to run in the Mont 24 hr race. http://www.mont24.com.au Entries open soon. This news will have teams such as the Felt Team, Pinnacle Cycles, Team Sram and Giant Racing shaking in fear...... Just the way we like it. Its sure to be a great weekend with all support groups and sponsors welcome to attend and clean bikes, administer jelly beans, cook food and perform massage.

Finally a word from one of our sponsors:
The fine upstanding lady friends of the Closer Racing Team are neither boring, or high maintenance. Oh and that excess alcohol is bad.

1st Post

Welcome to the Closer Racing Team blog. The Closer Racing Team is a group of extraordinary athletes who have combined their individual talents to form one of the most talked about and successful mountain bike enduro teams in Australia....... *cough*..... sort of. Well maybe not. Actually probably not at all.
Now, I can feel the skepticism seeping through the screen but anybody who has seen "The Wookie", "Captain Cramp", "Petrovski" and "The Ring-In" in action will tell you that performance is a close 2nd to internal team abuse in terms of importance.
So far the Closer Racing Team has competed in races such as, H.D.A.T.O, Gravity 12Hr, Otway Odyssey, Chase the Sun Series and the Merida 24hr. With strong results in all these races and more enduro's to come over the next few months the future is bright for this highly talented combustible unit.... *cough* I'm serious.

Here are the team profiles:

Scotty: The big fella is a powerhouse on the track with an appetite to match. Scotty is also the unofficial team bus driver and the receiver of Petey's many barbs.
Like's: world domination, snacks, breaking bike frames, use of the word "date", living forever

Petey: The consistent member of the bunch. Consistently slower and consistently unhappy with his bike. The "would be" mechanic of the team except that he lacks the patience, know how, ability and coordination.
Like's: being grumpy, training at 75%, studying Christians, knowing everything about everything, Hydration, face planting on harmless roll overs.

Jarrod: The connected one. Master of deception, feigning technical know how and ability. Fast when it suits, but generally dies of exhaustion after a short period of time. Unofficial team mechanic. (Which could explain Petey's anger)
Like's: cramping, crashing, Felt Bikes, breaking skin, new stuff, fox forks

Richy: The flashy rider. Matching outfit and exy bike. Chooses his races and words carefully to the point where teammates have no freaking idea if he is all there.
Like's: "not riding", living far far away, going fast, spending money, eating

The aim for the team is to compete in as many Enduro's and short course XC events as possible, dazzling competitors and spectators alike with speed, strength, skill and verbal abuse. So say hello to the boys and drop them a line, have a crack at Petey for going to slow, help Jarrod stretch out his hamstrings or abuse Scotty for obscuring your line of site with his "mass". Also you can check out this blog which will be updated constantly with news, new signings and racing stories.

Finally, the services of athletes of this ilk do not come cheap and The Closer Racing Team could not be the success it is without the financial (hahahahahaha) support of its major sponsors, The Closer Group, Leadtec Systems and Boronia Heights Pharmacy (For all your jelly bean needs). More information on these esteemed companies will follow in due course, along with photos, interviews, video's and more!

That's enough for the 1st installment of what promises to be a very popular and informative Blog. Time for a training ride.